Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Last Fuck of 2010

Me: Tonight is our last chance to have sex in 2010.
Him: No.
Me: Yes.
Him: No, I will be home on Friday.
Me: I will have my period by then.
Him: [wraps arms around me] Anal counts.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Unapologetically Me

Compatibility is hard to find.

You can connect with someone emotionally but not physically. You can connect with someone physically but not emotionally. And far too many people settle for a ridiculously small percentage of either.

Everyone has this ideal image of...well, what is ideal...but everyone's ideal is different.

So many people have this image of happily ever after: the big wedding, the quintessential nuclear family and a lifetime of smiles. Fuck Walt Disney and his unreal expectations. How many people do you know that really have that? When I think of the people I know, a disproportionate amount of them that are still in their first marriage, the one where they bought into all that fairytale crap, are pretty fucking miserable. And the ones who have escaped that antiquated notion and are now living their lives on their own terms are blossoming and happy.

Does this mean I think everyone should run out an' get themselves a dayvorce?


I think that we need to stop forcing IDEAL down everyone's throat.

The stereotypical American ideal: marriage with two kids, a house in the burbs and dog, and family dinner at Applebee's followed by mediocre sex once a week. You're laughing because it sounds so stereotypical and bland, but look around you. I know people living this life, and bless their little hearts, for some of them, it seems to be working. But here's where it gets complicated...maybe it's working for them, but how about their partners? Compatibility...it's a bitch.

While you are happy as a pig in shit with your 80's sitcom life, your partner is clawing at the walls to escape, to have sex more than once a week, to do something different...to find their own ideal.

Everyone's ideal is different. A friend and I were discussing a mutual acquaintance whom he felt badly for, because he sees her on a downward spiral. I told him that the beauty of rock bottom is you can only go up. He asked when she would hit bottom, I replied, it's different for everyone. Maybe her ideal isn't sobriety. Maybe her ideal is passed out on the bathroom floor with a bottle beside her. Why do we assume everyone is the same?

Every path to enlightenment involves a journey...and every journey is different. Some involve deep meditation, some involve intensive therapy, I opted for wrapping my vagina around everything I could. But at the tail end of that journey, I found PSD, a man who accepted me for what I am and has the same hopes for the future as me. He doesn't expect me to be anymore than I want to be and I feel the same about him. I am exactly what you see, unapologetically me.

Just the other day I got a call from my best friend's estranged girlfriend. She is going through a tough divorce, she and my BFF have essentially called it quits. I listened to her telling me how she isn't ready to date yet but how she's holding out hope that she and my BFF will still make it work...once he gets his life in order (he's a hippie, he comes and goes), once he gets a good stable job, once he blah blah blah blah... And as I was listening, I realized they would NEVER make it work, because they have such different ideals. She is just assigning all the typical ideals from her first marriage (house in the burbs, btw...two kids...no dog, she's allergic) to him. He is not meant for that world, I don't care how much they love one another, it is destined for failure. She loves him but she doesn't understand him. She just assumes that if he loves her, he will want all that for himself, because that's what normal people do.

Evidently normal people fool themselves into believing they are lemmings and plug along until their miserable deaths.

Fuck being normal, I'll stick with being ideal.
"...I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." ~Clementine Kruczynski

Monday, December 20, 2010

Decisions, decisions...

It's just us tonight...

We can cook ourselves a nice dinner and eat in peace...or skip the food and fuck until we pass out...


Thursday, December 9, 2010

Harmonious Happenings

We know we are lucky. We have great kids, they go to bed at normal times, (usually) wake up at normal times...and they don't try to drive a wedge between us. Sure, they both yell, "Eeeeeeeeeeew!" when we kiss, but they laugh when they do it. They are happy they are going to be steps. We are SO lucky.

My friend, Big C, also got engaged...months before us. We were catching up with one another the other day, and I asked him if they had set a date yet. He said they hadn't because they were having some problems with the kids getting along; he has 4 kids, she has 2 kids. I know him (obviously...we had sex at least a dozen times), he is a no-nonsense kind of person, so I know he is a no-nonsense kind of parent. She is not...pushover was the kindest word that popped into my head. As a single mom (well, not really anymore, but you understand my viewpoint) I know how tempting it is to be a pushover, to avoid the fights, to cater to your children since you have already destroyed their little worlds with your divorce. But as a practical woman, as a thinking person, I know what a disadvantage that will put my child at someday when she is totally unprepared for the real world...y'know, that place where things don't always go her way. He assured me that THEY are great, their relationship is great, it's just the problems with the kids. I understand having slightly different approaches to parenting, even MY parents did, every human is different...but they are polar fucking opposites. How can they be doing well? Does he mean they still have sex? Do they not fight when none of the kids are around? How do you love someone when you don't respect their approach to parenting?

Then I found something that PSD had written to me more than a year before he proposed:
....I love Fyre because she wants to have a family with me....
There was a lot more, but that line got me. By merging our families together, we created a family of our own. Even without having our own child, we have a family. And a family involves mutual love and respect. If his son and I hated one another, we couldn't be a family. If he didn't respect my mothering skills, we couldn't be a family; we would simply be two people living together, fucking one another's brains out, that have some kids.

Back to Big C:
His ex trapped him into marriage in their early 20's by getting pregnant and refusing to even discuss an abortion. She then cemented the deal by having three more kids within ten years. He loves his kids, but he hates his ex-wife; I doubt there was ever a day he did not resent her. I understand why he won't marry the new one until they settle these issues, he can't spend the rest of his life married to another woman he doesn't respect. I get it.

PSD told me that he and his ex were trying to have another baby when they split up. I asked him why, if they were so miserable. He said what so many people say, they thought it would save the marriage. I have never seen one instance where that worked; they always end up divorced, now with an extra kid. Dear reader, if you ever find yourself in that predicament...run.

Kids do not equal family. Family does not always equal children. Kids are simply mouths to feed and responsibility. Family is love. I want to have a baby with him, I think he wants to have one with me, the kids want us to have a baby...but even without that, we ARE a family.

We need some new signage!

I guess the title "(Mis)adventures of being suddenly single and sexual." is no longer appropriate...so I need a new name.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

From "Hook Up Tonight" to "Happily Ever After"

It started out so innocently. A quick message on a hook-up site...a nice sushi dinner followed by a fantastic fuck...followed by another fantastic fuck...followed by another fantastic fuck...and that was just our first date!
At least we didn't disappoint the creators of Adult Friend Finder, we used it for its intended purpose: we met, we hooked up...but then we fell in love, moved in together...and then on November 27, 2010, PSD proposed to me.

I was flabbergasted, excited, nervous, amazed, grateful...so many feelings all at once. I'm a very lucky girl, and I know it. A lot of people don't get a second chance like this.

Ms. Sexy Bitch pointed out that I give hope to Bad Girls everywhere...there can be a happy ending (and not just the hand job variety). And I never had to be anything BUT myself.

He read the blog BEFORE we even met IRL...he knew what he was up against. I never pretended to be a "lady" or played all those stupid games they tell you to play in books...I never tempered myself in the bedroom or watched my language...I never held back an emotion, good bad or indifferent...and he wouldn't want me any other way.

You want to see the ring, don't you? It's quite lovely...

I asked him if it felt different now that he was fucking his fiancée instead of just his girlfriend...he just smiled and spanked my ass.

Yep, he's the one for me.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My Life: The Porno

I've always said that my life story is best suited to a cartoon, silly and full of colorful characters. The truth is, it's probably best suited to a porno. Silliness and colorful characters translate to porno...but all this sex would just be creepy as a cartoon.

Some of the highlights...think of it as a teaser trailer for the movie.
  • I had an affair with a married man. One night he called and detoured me while I was en route to a first date. I met him at his office, where he fucked me and then sent me off to meet my date. I spent the entire dinner making idle chit-chat about who-knows-what with proof of his "love" making a pool in my panties.
  • One gorgeous winter evening, a date and I were bar-hopping through downtown, wandering in and out of dark, hidden areas designed for kissing and groping. We went to the roof of a parking garage for a better vantage point of the city and to enjoy the beautiful weather. We ended up having sex out in the open, standing up in one of the parking spaces. Twice.
  • I went out with a friend and his girlfriend one evening. We got home late, a little tipsy...and at least two of us were very horny. If you guessed that I was one of the two, you are correct. I climbed into bed next to him, and we had anal sex in front of his girlfriend, who simply watched from the other side of the bed.
My mind is all over the place. Current events, cooking, work, school, a vacation that's still 9 month away, it never ends. My brain never shuts off...but it has one constant: sex. Sometimes I joke that I should be a teenaged boy, I think about sex so much. If we have ever met, I have given at least a moment's thought to how you kiss or what you'd be like in bed.

Having sex always on my mind does have its benefits, such as the ability to go from 0-60 in about three seconds. Maybe this is the reason that life as part of a committed couple is just as hot, if not hotter sometimes, than single life. We live together, we trust one another...there is no more wooing necessary. We don't have to be on our best behavior for the kids anymore. And if I am almost always ready to go, imagine the possibilities.

It's not at all uncommon to find myself bent over the washing machine while the kids play outside for a few minutes. I was up at 4:45 am and started planning this blog post in my mind, by 5:10 I had to wake him up for sex. More than once, I have been rudely interrupted by a cock pressing against me while I was washing the dishes. I commented to a friend that I have had sex more times this month than I did in 2005...and we're closing in on 2005 and 2006 combined.

My porno would definitely not be an AVN award-winning porno, it would be underappreciated in its time. Most likely, it would be just campy enough to become a cult classic. There have been some amazingly hot experiences in my life, but there have been just as many goofy experiences. What makes it porno-worthy is my ability to own my sexuality. I don't hide from my sexuality. I pepper my conversations with innuendo, I relate sexual anecdotes as easily as anecdotes about my daughter and I probably make a lot of people uncomfortable. Some people would call me brazen, but it's just honesty...I believe it's natural, normal and healthy to feel this way.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Sex Drought

We haven't had sex since 6:30 yesterday morning.

That's almost 36 hours...I'm finding it hard to carry on.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Eliminating Mr. Right-Now

Recently, while chatting with Sexy Bitch about men and sex and relationships, I realized something...I didn't go on a lot of third dates. Hell, I barely went on second dates. Perhaps this portion of our exchange might offer some clues:
Her: I had the rebound
the awkward tryst
time for the confidence booster

Me: Oh, I miss those
not awkward trysts
the first time things
that split second, right before someone new penetrates you for the first time
before you realize he's a disappointment, too

I have never believed in wasting my time on anything. I don't subscribe to the idea of Mr. Right-Now. If you're not a potential Mr. Right, why should I waste my time with you? That's what fuckbuddies are for, to take care of those needs without wasting time or interfering in the hunt for Mr. Right.

First dates are easy; you meet somewhere, it's awkward and you make a snap decision about the second date right then and there. I walked into my date with 23 prepared to bail as early as possible, but it went well. There was a second date, a real date, with dinner and everything. But once we started having sex, there were only hookups.

That is what usually happened. They either fell into the hookup category or the friends with bennies category. There were no more dates, there was no more pretense. My motto: You want to fuck me, I want to fuck you...let's not waste my valuable time.

My first date with The Traveling Jew went very well. The next time he came to town, I went to his hotel to pick him up and ended up putting out as well. To his credit, he took me out for a nice dinner afterward. But then he made a tragic mistake, he held my hand as we walked back to the car and then wanted to cuddle after sex we had sex again. Aaaand, the nice guy has been eliminated from the competition. Thank you for playing, sir.

So what set some men apart?

Wow, I'd love to have some amazingly cool answer that makes you blush, but I don't. Who survived the longest? The only ones that made it to third dates were Brady Bunch, Clothespin and PSD. Brady Bunch and I had gone to the same school, knew the same people and had daughters the same age. Clothespin and I had a ton of similar interests, ranging from photography to Battlestar Galactica. PSD and I were just about the same person and had too many things in common to count. So, even in my quest to broaden my sexual horizons and conquer the male race, I ended up with the people who had the most in common with me.

At my ball-busting best, the idea of cuddling or holding hands horrified me. It's not that I stopped believing in love, but my tough-girl persona scorned the idea of mushiness with just "some guy." But maybe, it wasn't me, it was them...they were just the wrong guys.

When Clothespin grabbed my hand on our way into the restaurant on our first date, I didn't punch him, I didn't even think about it. And looking back, PSD held my hand on our first date...and we snuggled a little after we had sex...and I even contemplated spending the night...all that first night. I had no clue he was Mr. Right, but I knew he had Mr. Right potential.

And after I met him, there were some more first dates; but that's all they were.

I set up our second date, via text, while I was on a first date with someone else.
Tacky? Maybe.
Worth it? Definitely.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Don't Judge Me

I might be in love, but I haven't gone soft.

Last night we went out. This involved much eyeliner and red lipstick. While I was washing my make-up off in the bathroom, PSD walked in wearing only a pastel-colored fishing hat, a cock ring and carrying a leather paddle.

I love this man.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Guest Post: Rebound and Lust

Hi there. Let me begin by first introducing myself – I’m Sexy Bitch. This moniker was given to me by your fearless queen bee-in-residence and I feel honored to wear it. Mostly because I know it’s my ringtone when I call her.

I’ve known Queen Bee for almost a year, and we have become quite close, sharing stories and advice…but not men, yet. I consider myself a Queen-Bee In Training, as I have yet to conquer many of love’s little obstacles.

But let’s be honest here, readers. Queen Bee disseminates some wonderful information, but she’s gone, how shall I say it?…soft. She fell in love. Poor thing.

I’m not in a ‘love’ kind of place.

To re-phrase: I’m all about the lust these days. The good, old fashioned, throw-me-against-the-wall-and-make-me-bruise kind of lust.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and have since been on the warpath to heal my heart, one penis at a time. Since the break-up, I’ve enjoyed the freedom. I’ve enjoyed the men. I’ve enjoyed not giving a damn about the men and going after my own orgasmic nirvana.

So I thought I would step in with some fun stories of a 20-something on the rebound.

So let’s go through them:
The Asshole Ex
I should have saved him for last. He’s the hardest to write. I could say I loved him, possibly. I think the majority of my pain is not from what was lost, but rather the knowledge that we had so much potential to be unbelievable.

Alas, it was not meant to me. I’ll miss his cock. OH. MY. GOD. Beautiful, veiny, big and highly sensitive. It was meant to fuck. But he had a mental block that kept him from his ability to give me what I needed and we had a few very frustrating nights which began with his inability to keep it up (read: mental block) and my ending in tears. We slowly disintegrated from there.
Cue my big black binder
(come on…I’m in the prime of my life, gorgeous and sexually uninhibited… you really think it would only be a little black book?)
The Rebound
Ah, the rebound. He’s a sweetie – he’s kind, funny and good-hearted. He genuinely likes me. Bad idea.

Rebound attended the reception of a close friend’s wedding, coincidentally the same one Asshole Ex was supposed to attend. Coupled with copious amounts of vodka sodas and emotional instability, I slept with Rebound against my better (and more sober) nature. Disaster.

Two words: tiny dick. Could have been whiskey dick syndrome, could have been that Asshole Ex’s dick was a fucking ARM, could have been that he really does have a tiny dick. Either way, it left me frustrated and going home to my toys. Not a good first impr-sex-sion.

I may have to give it the good ol’ college try one more time. For shits and giggles.

If it really is as tiny as I remember, I’ll ask Queen Bee to post a photo.

The Firefighter
This boy and I have had a sexual flirtation on and off for about two years. Even when he had a girlfriend, I would get calls. Once we fucked, he calls…All. The. Time.

So let me introduce you to the man who puts out your fires:
South Florida Firefighter’s Calendar model
Beautiful man
More gorgeous dick

I mean, I know I’m beautiful. I know I’m sexy. I know he gets hard just hearing my voice. But just once I would love him to NOT come within seconds of entering me. Thank you.

The Dipshit…er, stick.
Dipstick and I have had our fair share of history. Having known him for the better part of a decade, we have much in common and know each other well-ish. Dipstick went through a nasty divorce about 4 years ago rendering him with the emotional capacity of a gerbil. He’s the perfect anger bang.

I hadn’t spoken to him in a couple years, but true to form, we picked up right where we left off having spent some time over drinks and skinny dipping in the ocean (if you haven’t had the pleasure of buoyancy and nekkidness, I highly recommend it for your sexy quotient).

After a missed opportunity to hang out due to a finicky A/C, we finally had the chance to get together on a Saturday. Add beer, good music and more skinny dipping (this time in his pool) to a healthy level of sexual tension and BANG! Fucking magic…pun intended. We began in the pool, oral on the chaise lounge and sex in the bed/floor. Just as I remembered: frantic, intense and goooooooooooooood.

It’s nice to have him back in my rotation.
So, I promise to post more as I navigate the waters of singledom after heartbreak and give you all the gory details of every victim…er, partner. More to come!

Sexy Bitch

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Weight A Minute!

There are things I enjoy in life: sex, good friends, having sex with good friends, booze, sharing booze with good friends, having sex after drinking booze, having sex with good friends after drinking booze...eh, you get the idea. Something else I love is food. To me, one of the biggest pleasures in life is good food, and I am no more likely to quit indulging in food than I am in any of the above.

Why am I telling you this? Because the American obsession with "weight" has been driving me crazy lately. Weight is just a number. More specifically, it is a measure of the force of gravitational pull on your mass. If Americans are so obsessed with this number, why don't more of them live at the top of Pikes Peak? At 14,115 feet you weight considerably less than you do at sea level. This obsession with the actual number seems to be generational. My mother's generation relied on one thing: the scale. I don't even OWN a scale, nor have I ever.

Where the fuck am I going with all this? Hang on, we're getting there.

When we were preparing to move into our new house, PSD's mother (genetically petite) said that she would like to see us each lose twenty pounds (random arbitrary number).

Now let me fill in some background for you.
I am by no means petite; I am 5'8" tall and curvy from head to toe. I have been working out since I was 19 years old. Until I had my daughter, I was in the habit of regularly attending 5:45 am spinning classes and after I had her, I would still make it to the gym at least 3 times a week. In the past year and a half, I have been lazy as hell (new relationship, please read previous posts) about working out plus I have a thyroid condition that wreaked havoc on my body until they got it regulated. I have put on quite a few pounds, but I am still in reasonably good shape.
PSD is a cyclist. When I met him, he was riding 100 miles at a time; the only thing he rides these days is me. But despite being lazy the past year and a half (new relationship, use common sense), he is still in reasonably good shape, too.
PSD's mom has an unhealthy obsession with weight. She is one of those naturally petite people who feels the need to eat tiny portions of food and count every morsel she ingests. If she wants a piece of cake, she can't just eat the cake, she has to give us a speech justifying WHY she can eat the cake.
I know his mother meant nothing by her comment, but it got me thinking. What would a number -20 actually do for me?

Would it help me earn more money? No.
Would it make my daughter listen to me at bedtime? No.
Would it remember to take out the garbage for me? No.

So why do I need this number -20 at all?

Now I enjoy fitting into my clothes, who doesn't? I don't weigh myself, I prefer to judge by which jeans I can squeeze into and how they look. I know that many outfits that didn't fit at the height of the thyroid debacle now fit again, so I am pleased. I see how I look in photos now, compared to last year, and I am pleased. But last year, at the height of it all, I didn't feel badly about myself. I just simply got some new clothes that fit and looked good and moved on.

So why should I chase this -20?

I have never counted calories. Life is too short for me to worry about how many M&M'S® I am stuffing in my face during a PMS attack. I believe in living with no regrets, this rule applies to food, as well. Who wants to be on their death bed and worrying about all the delicious food they never tried? I have always been a healthy eater (with a healthy dose of sweets here and there) and I just stay active. Exercising is for staying fit, not for furthering your unhealthy body image or masking your eating disorder.

I spent a good portion of my life as a Barbie Girl. I am tall, I was always thin and I am very pretty.

In high school I did a lot of local modeling, a good portion of it for swimsuit stores. I was a size 5 with a gravity defying C cup.
Was I any happier? No.
In my twenties I maintained my figure and added a fantastic wardrobe and a knack for accessorizing to the whole package.
Was I any happier? No.
Four months after giving birth to a ten pound child, I was two sizes smaller than the day I got pregnant.
Was I any happier? No.

I can shop in normal clothing stores, I do not have to resort to stores that have the word BARN in the name.
My ass does not yet have its own zip code.
No one has ever run away screaming upon seeing me naked.
I am more confident now than at any other time of my life.

So what does -20 do for me?

I make no apologies for who I am.
I am comfortable in my skin.
I am happy.
I refuse to sacrifice that feeling for a number.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Do Unto Others and Other Trite Advice (but good advice, too)

I apologize in advance for the extremely unsexxxy post, but it's as much a part of my process as telling PSD I was wearing my "lucky bra" on our first date so he'd know I was going to put out.

As I sit on the precipice of the next stage of my life (more about that later), it seems prudent to reflect upon what I have learned since the last stage of my life

Never Settle
Silent resentment is the #1 killer of relationships; also, 42% of statistics are made up on-the-spot. But seriously, why would you settle? If you don't chase your dreams, who will?

Don't Break For Someone Who Isn't Willing to Bend For You
Nothing in the world is as valuable as your own sanity and your own security. Never sacrifice that for anyone; that's not love, that's not even friendship. You deserve better, I don't care what who you are or what you've done...you deserve better.

Put Yourself Out There
This isn't really something new, but it always bears repeating. I have never been a "sit back and wait for life" kind of girl, but this has never been more important than in the last two years. Your life fell apart...boo-fucking-hoo. Now are you going to sit on the couch eating Cheetos and waiting for something good to meander by, or are you going to go out, seize life by the studded collar and make something good come to you? That's a no-brainer for me, because I would never eat Cheetos (the artificial color horrifies me). Meeting PSD was certainly a wonderful gift from the Universe, but would that have ever happened if I wasn't out there, seeking something?

Newsflash, folks. No one is just naturally lucky at life. All good things are the result of positive thinking, meeting people, networking and a lot of hard work.

Embrace Change
In the past year, I have been fortunate enough to have fallen into a circle of friends; one of them, a witty intelligent woman who has also had life-altering changes in her life within the past couple of years. I like to think this was no accident as we have much in common (aside from all being beautiful and Jewish) and can borrow so much from one another. Some would call it fate, but I like to call it Universal Design.

When we stop fighting and just sit down and shut the fuck up, the Universe has an amazingly uncanny ability to deliver just what we need. I like to think the evolution of my relationship with Clothespin was no accident, it was exactly how it was supposed to happen. The transition from sleazy hookup to genuine friendship to quasi-relationship opened my heart back up. This allowed me to make the small leap from quasi-relationship to what PSD and I share today.

In the past two years, I have let a vast variety of people into my life and have been rewarded in ways I could never have before imagined.

The Karma of “Do Unto Others”
This is the biggie. I am sure PSD had his doubts about me, at some point...and I don’t blame him. My Unapologetically Me strategy involves blunt honesty, so he knows my past. We even had a talk when we became exclusive, about my fears of monotony, errr...monogamy, and why I can’t imagine myself sleeping with just one man for the rest of my life. And this is where Irony kicks in (we’ll talk about her cousin, Karma, in just a bit)...because since that talk, since he told me he understood and was willing to explore options together, I haven’t even thought about another man like that. Crazy, right? What my single gal explorations had taught me (go back and read the entries, people...stop being lazy) was that I did not cheat on my husband because I needed sex that badly, it was affection and understanding I needed. Zoom back to PSD, and I have the whole package: love, understanding, more affection than I know what to do with and an amazingly fulfilling sex life. Does that mean we can’t spend the rest of our lives exploring sexual avenues together? NO! It does mean that I won’t need to look elsewhere for what I need, because I have it all.

What does this have to do with Karma and “Do Unto Others?” Recently, a former lover asked why my morals had shifted so far, I replied, “PSD is a great guy, he doesn’t deserve that.” It hadn’t even hit me until that moment; in the back of my head, every time I cheated on my ex, I knew in the back of my head, he DID deserve it...and each time it was a giant passive-aggressive FUCK YOU. It took me eight long years to get to that point. Eight years of him fooling around with other girls and then “coming clean” to me. Eight years of forgetting to come home because he was high somewhere with God-knows-who doing God-knows-what. Eight years of him making me feel like shit for having the humanity to find other men attractive, even though I never let another man even kiss me [Untrue; once, someone did kiss me. I laid him out with one punch right after.] while he openly stared at and commented upon women he saw. The first time I cheated on him, it was revenge, plain and simple. Then it just became a drug after that; he would make me feel bad, I would get my high. I never felt bad because I knew, in my heart, he would do it to me, too. I was just evening the score. Karma isn’t a bitch, friends...she is a nasty cunt who is PMSing and has no chocolate. That’s the reason my ex is still alone and stalking me like the rancid psycho he is, while I have been lucky enough to find someone who loves me, adores me and most importantly, understands me.

"Why the somber, yet enlightening reflection? Are you dying, Fyre?"

No, even better! PSD and I are moving in together at the end of the month. We have found our own house to begin our life together.

Imagine the possibilities!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Girl Talk

Some excerpts from a recent marathon IM conversation with one of my favorite girlies.

Her (1:22:17 PM): so i need some advice from the sex queen
Me (1:23:15 PM): LOL
Her (1:23:21 PM): no seriously
Me (1:23:23 PM): do I get a crown?
Me (1:23:27 PM): a giant cockring?
Her (1:23:28 PM): hahaha! YES!
Her (1:23:36 PM): I will make you a cockring and condom crown

Her (1:24:42 PM): we were having sex, whatever...kinda vanilla
Her (1:24:57 PM): so i stopped him and i was like "uh, what's going on?
why aren't you into this?"
Her (1:25:20 PM): mind you, we've talked plenty of times about what we
like in bed and that both of us like it pretty rough
Her (1:26:01 PM): so he goes - "I just dont want to hurt you and i just
Her (1:26:12 PM): so i did what any self-respecting borderline S&M girl
would do
Her (1:26:15 PM): smacked him
Me (1:26:20 PM): awesome
Her (1:27:38 PM): but we talked last night and a couple things came out
Me (1:27:53 PM): OK
Her (1:27:55 PM): He really likes me and he's afraid he will scare
me off if he goes that one tick too far
Me (1:28:06 PM): that's what safe words are for
Her (1:29:38 PM): we have messed around before and left him bleeding
so i dont know why he thinks im not into it
Me (1:29:57 PM): wait, stop
Me (1:30:04 PM): bleeding?
Me (1:30:14 PM): this man needs shin guards and a cup to have sex
with you

Me (1:32:20 PM): ...if he's a dirty bird
Me (1:32:25 PM): and you are a dirty bird
Me (1:32:27 PM): you're a fit
Me (1:32:36 PM): so he'll be happy and want you to meet his mom anyway
Me (1:32:39 PM): that's love

Me (1:32:57 PM): our conversations should have an anonymous blog
all their own

Her (1:32:59 PM): he's been afraid of taking it to that next level
Her (1:33:02 PM): and i quote
Her (1:33:07 PM): NO SHIT
Her (1:33:09 PM): HAHAHA
Her (1:34:29 PM): "im always afraid of taking a relationship to the
next level because, if i really like a girl and the sex isn't viable, it's
like 'ok-friend zone you go'. But you're different and i love how innocent
and close we are and how our relationship is based on friendship and all
things that make us so amazing together that i dont want the sex to be bad
and overshadow"
Her (1:34:38 PM): I was like "WHAT. THE. FUCK."
Me (1:39:06 PM): I so understand what he means
Me (1:39:23 PM): that's why I never waited past the 3rd date to
fuck someone
Me (1:39:42 PM): so I couldn't get emotionally attached in case the
sex sucked

Her (1:36:12 PM): i kinda wanna do something to make him get the
message that his dick is there for my entertainment
Me (1:40:20 PM): tie his dumb ass up
Me (1:40:50 PM): then, simply get him hard and use him
Me (1:40:54 PM): several times
Her (1:41:01 PM): HAHAHAHA
Me (1:41:11 PM): no guy won't be in love after that
Me (1:41:20 PM): and he'll get the whole "for my amusement" thing

Her (2:01:20 PM): hm, can you think of anything else i could do?
Me (2:02:13 PM): in all seriousness, no
Me (2:02:19 PM): if you have had the talk
Me (2:02:30 PM): all that's left to do is act
Me (2:02:49 PM): and that's the most direct way to get across what
you need to without anyone taking it the wrong way
Me (2:03:01 PM): their egos are more fragile than their sacks
Me (2:03:33 PM): so you have to make sure he's getting something
good (fucked) out of it
Me (2:03:38 PM): or else his ego will be shattered
Me (2:03:43 PM): and he'll retreat more
Her (2:05:00 PM): he needs to understand he doesnt have to treat me
with kid gloves and its ok to smack me around a bit
Her (2:05:06 PM): i need to get him drunk

Her (2:36:38 PM): he had just broken up with someone who wrecked his
heart, so he has a lot of hang ups and can't seem to get out of his own head
Me (2:39:29 PM): so you know this, because you are his friend
Me (2:39:36 PM): it's not some guy you met on plentyoffish.com
Me (2:39:40 PM): so you have two options
Me (2:39:58 PM): I know you don't want to be the transitional girl
Me (2:40:07 PM): the one he uses to get over her
Me (2:40:11 PM): and he doesn't want you to be
Me (2:40:19 PM): which is why he's being such a wuss
Me (2:40:34 PM): so you have to be understanding and be his friend
Me (2:40:37 PM): and get him through this
Me (2:40:42 PM): without being a doormat
Her (2:40:50 PM): true story
Me (2:40:53 PM): yup
Her (2:40:57 PM): and i do that with restraints
Me (2:41:00 PM): exactly
Her (2:41:02 PM): possibly some smacking
Me (2:41:04 PM): god, I love you

Her (2:45:42 PM): i told him all i want for christmas are his balls and
a riding crop
Me (2:46:13 PM): that's hot
Me (2:46:21 PM): a riding crop with a bell on it

Her (3:30:26 PM): and i see him holding back that last little bit and
it worries me that i may never see that side..which translates in the
Her (3:33:20 PM): i dont think the sex will get fixed until he can let
go completely
Her (3:33:25 PM): just stop fighting it
Her (3:33:32 PM): which will make me less apprehensive
Me (3:33:36 PM): you need to stop overthinking it
Her (3:33:37 PM): which will lead to awesome sex
Me (3:33:39 PM): and just show him
Her (3:33:49 PM):
Me (3:33:59 PM): are you screaming or seeing the light?
Her (3:34:32 PM): screaming
Her (3:34:40 PM): i literally saw my brain and uterus cramp up
Her (3:34:44 PM): simultaneously

Me (3:34:45 PM): Neuroses are contagious, like herpes.
Her (3:36:07 PM): HAHAHA
Me (3:36:28 PM): he acts a little weird
Me (3:36:31 PM): then you wonder why
Me (3:36:35 PM): then you overthink it
Me (3:36:49 PM): then he gets neurotic about what you're thinking
Me (3:36:58 PM): so he starts acting weirder
Me (3:37:07 PM): see where this is going?
Her (3:40:56 PM): i do
Her (3:41:09 PM): as cyclical as chlamydia between lovers
Me (3:41:22 PM): LOL
Me (3:41:25 PM): yes
Her (3:44:52 PM): and here what i was thinking was i need him to fuck
my brains to scrambled eggs so i didnt think that way anymore
Her (3:44:54 PM): my bad
Me (3:45:18 PM): you still need to tie him up and use him like a
human dildo
Me (3:45:26 PM): #totallywinwin
Her (3:47:46 PM): ok good
Me (3:48:28 PM): yeah, no...that was never OUT of the equation
Me (3:48:33 PM): we just moved up to his head for a while
Her (3:48:38 PM): damn
Me (3:48:38 PM): his groin needed a rest

Me (3:49:03 PM): the men that are worth it
Me (3:49:21 PM): actually have a teensy tiny little connection from
their brains to their balls
Me (3:49:46 PM): so we need to romance them mentally as part of the
Me (3:49:53 PM): not just show them our tits
Me (3:50:01 PM): that works for guys we've picked up in bars

Me (3:58:18 PM): PSD's such a goofy bastard
Me (3:58:19 PM): I love it
Me (3:58:29 PM): we're doing it before the party
Me (3:58:32 PM): and I said something
Me (3:58:36 PM): I don't recall what
Me (3:58:44 PM): but it was a phrase from a song
Me (3:58:49 PM): and he just starts singing
Me (3:58:52 PM): while he's fucking me
Me (3:58:56 PM): and not some pop son
Me (3:59:10 PM): it was a line from Defying Gravity, from Wicked
Me (3:59:17 PM): and he was singing the song LOUD
Her (3:59:18 PM): HAHAHAHAHA
Me (3:59:20 PM): and fucking me
Her (3:59:22 PM): that is SO awesome
Me (3:59:25 PM): I love him.

Her (3:59:43 PM): one of the best moments with Mr. Slappy
Her (3:59:55 PM): we were making out on his bed and i was on top about
to go down
Her (4:00:02 PM): and he had his iTunes on Genuis random
Her (4:00:08 PM): guess what comes up
Me (4:00:14 PM): Love in an Elevator?
Her (4:00:17 PM): She's so lucky...
Her (4:00:20 PM): she's a start
Me (4:00:21 PM): hahahahaha
Her (4:00:26 PM): BRITNEY SPEARS
Me (4:00:38 PM): so tacky and yet so cute
Her (4:00:41 PM): he goes...."well, there goes my boner"
Her (4:00:54 PM): i just started laughing
Her (4:00:58 PM): so he tries to change it
Me (4:00:59 PM): I love that it's on his iTunes
Her (4:01:06 PM): he tries to change it
Her (4:01:08 PM): and it goes to
Her (4:01:18 PM): When you wish upon a staaaaaaaaaaaaar
Me (4:01:26 PM): hahahahahahaha
Her (4:01:30 PM): he's like "no no no, oh god, no no no"
Me (4:01:34 PM): does he have the little Mermaid in there too?
Her (4:01:43 PM): i would fall in love if he did
Her (4:22:44 PM): "darling it's better down where it's wetter take it
from me...."
Me (4:22:52 PM): hahahahahaha
Her (4:24:15 PM): go on and kiss that girl
Her (4:24:43 PM): we can go fathoms below!
Her (4:25:45 PM): Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Me (4:25:50 PM): OMG
Me (4:25:57 PM): Alan Menken is a pervert!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Choose Your Weapon Wisely

It's a well-known fact that people use sex as a weapon, especially women. In relationships, they equate sex with control...and they use it as leverage to get what they want and as punishment for not getting their way.

Yes, sex can be about control; sometimes that is half the fun, the physical struggle for control. Yes, sometimes sex can be used as leverage; most people are not going to complain about getting laid for making a small compromise. But NO, sex should NEVER be used as a punishment; sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial and mutually enjoyable.

Did you hear that, ladies?

Let me say it again louder:
If it’s not, you’re doing it wrong.

Mutual, as in both parties agree to it. Forcing sex on anyone is a crime, one that happens far too often and gets punished not often enough.

I will take one minute for a Public Service Announcement:

Rape is a crime, period. If you have been a victim, call the Center Against Rape and Domestic Violence at 800-927-0197.
Withholding sex is a wrong; it may not be a crime, but it certainly has its victims. Now cock your pretty little head to the side a little and give that sweet angelic look as you ask, “Who could it possibly be hurting?” Now I am going to cock my pretty little head to the side and smile a devilish smile as I reply, “You, bitch.”
Let’s start with the basics here. You don’t get into a relationship because you hate someone, right? So at some point, you must have loved this man you are now tormenting, right? A reasonable person could even assume that you must have had a decent sex life if you both settled down into a monogamous relationship, right? Then why the fuck are you tormenting this poor man by withholding sex now?
Do you think the men trolling the internet for pussy have loving, warm, sexually evolved women waiting for them at home?* No, they have dumb frigid women like you waiting for them at home. Perhaps getting a little dirty with your man once in a while would be good for you. Sex isn’t just for men. The more sex you have, the better you feel about yourself, the sexier you start to feel in general…which leads to more sex and a healthier relationship.
In the end, what do you hope to accomplish?
A life without sex? You're only punishing yourself, because he won't live without it forever, he'll just get it somewhere else. And if you regard sex as that much of a punishment that you would rather do without, seek counseling. Something somewhere went horrifically wrong in your programming, and you don't have to live like this.
If you are using sex as leverage, assuming he will never hold up to his end of the bargain, don’t think of it as punishment when he does. Instead, be flattered that he still WANTS to have sex with you. Psyche yourself up for it and you might even enjoy it.
*To be fair, I know it is not only women that play these games. But today I feel like addressing only the women. Maybe tomorrow I will want to address the men that play these games, to remind them that we can find cock anywhere, anytime we want...maybe.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Accepting Failure

I am a beautiful 35 year old woman, who is lucky to have a wonderful man with an equally exuberant sex drive in her life. I am grateful for everything we have...including the apparent inability to fuck like teenagers.

I had to accept this fact when we failed to meet a simple goal we had set for ourselves: to have sex five times a day each day of the holiday weekend. It seemed so simple; left to our own devices we usually do it two to three times a day on weekends. There was no reason not to be able to pound out (pardon my pun) more when we set our minds and genitalia to it. No reason, except of course, the fact that we are no longer 21 years old.

We have responsibilities.
We have social lives.
We have age-appropriate energy levels.
We have no desire to injure ourselves in the pursuit of cheap thrills.

I can't be the one who actually said that! Me? The girl who spent her twenties pitting her cardiovascular system against an endless supply of cocaine just for jollies? The same girl who engaged in random sex with a parade of clowns she met on AFF?

Yes, I said it.

Believe me, we tried, even though life conspired against us. PSD spent Saturday morning sick as a dog. Sunday was a day full of social engagements. Today was lazy and delicious. We tried, even going as far as sneaking off to a guest bathroom at the party last night. But we're not teenagers. We're not even in our twenties anymore. Hell, we're barely in our thirties anymore.

What we are is savvy. We're comfortable in our own skins. We're confident. We're compatible. We're satisfied in every way. We're just fine with the fact that we can't do it five times a day. We can take pride in the fact that we had a lot of fun trying...and we came damn close.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


Last night, we fell asleep after #4.
Neither of us had anything left to give.

Tonight we are going to a party. The birthday girl knows our mission for the weekend.

She told us we can do it at the party and she will videotape it.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

And we are underway!

The Memorial Day Weekend Sex-A-Thon has begun!

We got in late last night, around 2:30, and crashed right away. Despite the copious amounts of alcohol, food and weed that were ingested last night, we were up at 7:30ish, as usual. PSD wasted no time poking at me from behind until he found the spot he was looking for. He was quite enthusiastic, not to mention extremely hard. But not long after the post-sex shudders subsided, last night's festivities took a toll on him and he ran for the bathroom.

He spent most of the day in bed, with the pillows piled on top of his head. Finally, some time well after noon he emerged from the bedroom and we began our day. One of the stops of the day was Old Navy...big sale! While he was perusing the men's polo shirts, I had an idea. I grabbed my items, the ones that I didn't need to try on, and ran to the fitting room. I took off my clothes and texted him, asking him to meet me back there. He didn't seem to get my first hint: me, in just a thong, grinding my crotch against him as I backed him into a corner and kissed him. But he's no dummy, he caught on after a few minutes.

Here is a little known factoid, girls...the benches in the Old Navy fitting rooms are the perfect height to place your hands on when you are bent over, getting fucked from behind.

Sex in a fitting room PLUS clothes on sale is a WIN-WIN for today! Now we just need to find time to do it three more times before we go to sleep tonight.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Goals and Achievements

As you may have read, I hurt my back right after PSD had a nasty cold, which led to no sex for an unfathomable amount of time...like a week, I think. No bueno.

Not long after we got back into our groove, I went away with my family for a week. The night I came home, we started to make up for lost time...and then I ended up sick. No bueno.

This past weekend I was childless but he had his son, so I spent the weekend over there. We managed an average of twice a day, but I still feel like we are slacking. Therefore, I proposed a challenge for next weekend; it is a three day weekend and we have no children the whole weekend long. We will manage to do it five times every day next weekend! Excessive? Absolutely. Juvenile? Perhaps. Do I give a shit? Not at all.

I believe a goal of 15 times next weekend is reasonable and no matter what we actually manage, attempting to accomplish it will certainly be fun.

Stay tuned for results.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Memory Lane

Just for funsies, I logged onto AFF tonight to update my profile to reflect that (a) I am in a relationship and (b) we might be looking for a girl or another couple to play with.

I forgot just how goddamned pushy the men on there can be! On the one hand, you have to admire their never-ending tenacity. On the other hand, it's repulsive.

Hello there,

I will be staying in Boca Thursday night the 8th of April and I would love to see you -- I travel back and forth to Boca very often...I think we are looking for the same thing and I would love to fill your desires as well as mine.. My personal e mail address is at AOL dot COM and name is BAHBOO1xxx the OO are letters.
I cant wait to hear from you.
Or we can communicate here - your call..
Bye for now,
XXO Anthony
PS: I love your photos -- you are stunning!!!

------ Profile Attached -------

I am a very sexual Italian man that will please you however you like - just let me know what you enjoy and I will make it happen for you. I love undressing you slowly, Havings the lights on during sex so we can each others bodies, Softly kissing your lips / having are tongues sensually intertwined, Orally pleasing each other, Scented candles, Sharing our fantasies, Soflty whispering in your ear and just making you feel good all over your body.... I love to listen to a women's needs and I really enjoy pleasing her the way she likes (just tell me the way you like being touched, kissed, licked and I will make you feel that way)so we both can explode together....
How many women do you think he sent that to? My guess is more than one. What the fuck would he do if more than one woman actually responded and said yes?

I have learned a valuable lesson...

When I want to post pictures of ugly cocks on my blog from now on, I will save and upload the photos. So many of the pictures I linked to have been removed.

I'm sad. Nothing makes me happier than ragging on an ugly cock pic.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Great Sex Shortage

It all began Thursday, March 25. I had an evening to myself and a LOT of homework to do. I dragged my ass to the local Barnes & Noble and got to work. That Accounting homework never stood a chance. My only mistake of the night? Chugging a Venti latte around 9 pm. The first night of insomnia...

The next day was my daughter's birthday dinner at Chuck E. Cheese. That place is difficult enough to take on a good day. Try it on no sleep. To boot, my doctor had started me on a new medication we will simply refer to as "Cocaine in pill form" and I took my first dose before heading over to CEC. All night, I was sweating up a storm, my eyes were schizzing around the joint and my partner-in-crime had brought a flask of vodka we were sharing. It was just like my old party days. Good times! Second night of insomnia...

Throughout the next two weeks and five days, I suffered from sleepless nights for many reasons, and none of them sex or depravity-related. Poor PSD was insanely sick during this time...work was hectic...there was always something. By two weeks and five days I was suffering from cold sweats and hallucinations.

The exhaustion finally led to me throwing my back out. Oddly, the pain was SO severe that I was finally able to sleep. The next several days were excruciating, I could barely move. It's now been almost two weeks and I am managing the pain with Vicodin, under my doctor's care.

By now, if you are still reading, you are wondering what this post is doing on a blog where I talk (primarily) about sex...right? I have to tell you, I had to go WEEKS without sex. It was maddening. I know I used to go for much longer stretches without sex; my ex withheld sex all the time (and to this day he wonders why I cheated) but it has been so long since I have had to worry about it. How the hell do people live without it? I need feedback, I need to know!

The other reason I am posting this, so you know, is that I am high as a kite on Vicodin.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Maybe this is cheating...

...but read this post I wrote one year ago today: Being Single on Facebook

How times have changed.

Bangin' in the New Year

My last post was about the Passion Party. Turns out we have had a string of good parties, starting with that one. A few days after the Passion Party we had a regular ole' Saturday night shindig. We eschewed our normal Grape Bomb shots for old fashioned Lemon Drops. My regular partner-in-crime makes some of the best Lemon Drops in the world. Sweet talk me and I will post the recipe (...but seriously, I need to hear how awesome I am). We imbibed, oh Lordie Lord, did we imbibe. I know I lost count after 10 shots. Friends that I have never seen drunk drunk were THAT drunk. There were no less than two women cuffed to my bed and at least four people had sex on my bed that night (yes, I was one of them). It was mainly a hen party plus a couple of male friends who think of my sister and me as family. This meant that PSD was the King of the Jungle that night. Oh yeah, life is good.

A couple of weeks later was New Year's Eve. The three of us had nothing to do so we set up a party invite on Facebook and invited everyone we know. We weren't expecting much of a turn-out, as most of our friends are pretty cool and have other friends. Lo and behold, their other friends suck/they're not as cool as I thought/hanging with us IS that much fun, we had a full house. Yadda yadda yadda, shots...yadda yadda yadda, people making out everywhere...yadda yadda yadda, all three of us just passed out in my bed.

Oh, I should back up a little bit here. My aforementioned partner-in-crime and PSD get along famously. At some point in the night they were making out in my kitchen and she grabbed me and told me he kisses a lot like me (that's a compliment). Toward the end of the night we were deciding who was crashing on my couch and who was OK to drive, and she informed me that she couldn't sleep in the living room alone with Clothespin (who was sleeping on one couch) and she had to sleep with us. I informed her that was a very silly excuse (he is harmless) and if she wanted to sleep with us she just had to ask.

I went back to the living room to tuck Clothespin in (I'm very maternal) and when I returned to my room they were both naked. My partner-in-crime immediately insisted I get naked and climb into bed with them. PSD is such a "nice guy" normally, so it is an incredible turn-on for me when he's so sexually assertive.

She didn't mention if he fucks like me, probably not since I don't have a cock...but she did mention that "ohmigod...it's sooooooo goooooooooooood" a few dozen times.