My friend, Big C, also got engaged...months before us. We were catching up with one another the other day, and I asked him if they had set a date yet. He said they hadn't because they were having some problems with the kids getting along; he has 4 kids, she has 2 kids. I know him (obviously...we had sex at least a dozen times), he is a no-nonsense kind of person, so I know he is a no-nonsense kind of parent. She is not...pushover was the kindest word that popped into my head. As a single mom (well, not really anymore, but you understand my viewpoint) I know how tempting it is to be a pushover, to avoid the fights, to cater to your children since you have already destroyed their little worlds with your divorce. But as a practical woman, as a thinking person, I know what a disadvantage that will put my child at someday when she is totally unprepared for the real world...y'know, that place where things don't always go her way. He assured me that THEY are great, their relationship is great, it's just the problems with the kids. I understand having slightly different approaches to parenting, even MY parents did, every human is different...but they are polar fucking opposites. How can they be doing well? Does he mean they still have sex? Do they not fight when none of the kids are around? How do you love someone when you don't respect their approach to parenting?
Then I found something that PSD had written to me more than a year before he proposed:
....I love Fyre because she wants to have a family with me....There was a lot more, but that line got me. By merging our families together, we created a family of our own. Even without having our own child, we have a family. And a family involves mutual love and respect. If his son and I hated one another, we couldn't be a family. If he didn't respect my mothering skills, we couldn't be a family; we would simply be two people living together, fucking one another's brains out, that have some kids.
Back to Big C:
His ex trapped him into marriage in their early 20's by getting pregnant and refusing to even discuss an abortion. She then cemented the deal by having three more kids within ten years. He loves his kids, but he hates his ex-wife; I doubt there was ever a day he did not resent her. I understand why he won't marry the new one until they settle these issues, he can't spend the rest of his life married to another woman he doesn't respect. I get it.
PSD told me that he and his ex were trying to have another baby when they split up. I asked him why, if they were so miserable. He said what so many people say, they thought it would save the marriage. I have never seen one instance where that worked; they always end up divorced, now with an extra kid. Dear reader, if you ever find yourself in that predicament...run.
Kids do not equal family. Family does not always equal children. Kids are simply mouths to feed and responsibility. Family is love. I want to have a baby with him, I think he wants to have one with me, the kids want us to have a baby...but even without that, we ARE a family.
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