Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My Horizontal Honeymoon and Another Tale of Woe...

Ahhh, my "Horizontal Honeymoon"...but it's not what you think.

We enjoyed the first three days of our honeymoon.  Drinking, fucking, seeing some amazing sights...and then that night, I fell and hit the base of my spine. We found out weeks later that I herniated three disks, tearing one of them.

All that planning!
Our dream trip!

I woke up later that night in such excruciating pain, I ended up blacking out twice before I could wake PSD and let him know what was going on. He was amazing, feeding me Advil and taking me swimming (a lot), being patient with my intolerable (at times) pain and still fucking me (gently) whenever we could. I didn't think it was possible to love him more, but I do!

And now my tale of woe:

The last day of May, my best friend killed himself.
He was my first boyfriend, the first one to feel me up, the first one to put his finger "in there" and after we got past the messy high school break-up, we stayed the best of friends. He was a sick, twisted, brilliant and sweet man...who remembers my vagina fondly.
BFF: You know, sometimes I know I love you as my oldest and dearest friend but sometimes I remember that you are responsible for most the grief and stress in my life!
ME: what did I do now?
BFF: If I had never found the biggest source of happiness and amusement in YOUR pants, I would have been much better off. It's as if you were the one who got me started on crack...so to speak!
BFF: If only you were a prude and not so lusty and good, my life might have been totally different!
BF: So just so u know, every time [girlfriend] drives me crazy with her shit, in the back of my head, I know it's your fault!
BFF: I probably could've gone well into my twenties content to pet the soft fuzz on top. But, hoo boy, once I found out how fun it is INSIDE, my life was totally wrecked and I blame you.
BFF: If you and PSD don't end up getting married, I reserve the right to turn your crotch into a museum!
BFF: You have great nipples!
ME: I know
BFF: Some of the first nipples I ever loved!
ME: they are the first ones you ever loved
BFF: Nope. Mom. But in a different way!
BFF: If we voted on nipples, they'd probably be Most Popular Nipples of Class of 87-91
ME: excellent
BFF: Don't pout. Your vagina would've probably won Most Talented!
BFF: I think it was actually the unofficial mascot of Spring Break 89!
ME: Three words: Cat In Heat
ME: I am mid-cycle, during a full moon...and I was bored over the weekend, so I started reading some erotica short stories.
BFF: Is this the cat again?
ME: he can't read, nitwit
BFF: Ohh...so u mean you. And?
ME: just mentioning it
ME: I am SO SORE from the weekend, and still I want more
BFF: You need me to swing by there for a lunchtime threesome?
ME: you are so giving, but no...I just ate
BFF: So you just need a camerman for tonight?
ME: Hahahahaha
ME: we have a tripod
ME: you want to be my bestie, you have to listen to my exploits
BFF: Ahhh...so you just need audio...and quit calling him tripod. It'll only go to his head.
BFF: Just give me a heads up so I can shower and secure the car.
BFF: I'm a team player. I'm here to help.
ME: I know
BFF: I can throw PSD a Gatorade and a towel and sub in in case he needs a breather. I'll start stretching now.
ME: Awesome
BFF: Leave the door open. I'll be there around 6. I won't even wear pants.
BFF: I'll just show up with a condom and some lube.
BFF: I'm talking dirty Rueben love.
ME: like the sandwich?
BFF: Yes.
ME: so you're going to smear sauerkraut on me?
BFF: And melted Swiss.
ME: I don't like Swiss
BFF: Havarti?
ME: yes
BFF: Cool.
BFF: Sauerkraut, Havarti, condoms, lube...see u at 6.
So, two weeks before I left on my honeymoon, I had to board a plane to my best friend's funeral. I've lost my first love, a man whose love I never doubted and my soulmate.

So far, July has been a better month.