Is it me or my swinging dick?

Me: I have to work tomorrow
Me: but I will probably leave early
Me: we can clean the house up
Me: and fuck?
PSD: someone is in need of my swinging dick.
Me: maybe
Me: maybe I just need to feel close to you more than I need your cock
Me: you'll never know
Me: I am an enigma
PSD: either way you get what you want.
Me: I know

Advil PM Sex

Sounds sexy, right?
We go to bed early, on a night we have no responsibility (kids). Then we each pop an Advil PM and start going at it. While we're fucking, the Advil PM kicks in, but we're too worked up to notice. Then, after we both cum, we fall into the most peaceful post-orgasm Advil PM induced coma.
Best sleep ever.

Can you have ladylike orgasms?

What is "ladylike behavior?"

I burp...I fart...I talk with food in my mouth.
Some people are offended by this.
To each his or her own.

But I also speak my mind...I don't take shit from bullies...I stand up for what I believe in.
Some people are really offended by this.
Fuck them.

Perhaps being "ladylike" was held in high regard once upon a time, but so was owning slaves.
Women have come a long way since then: we can vote, we can head huge corporations...in some states we can even marry other women.

Women support themselves now.
Women support their children now.
Women even support their men now.

We have achieved equal rights in nearly every arena.
But are we still held to a double standard sexually?

I know there is an entire subculture of people who have issues with sexual relations outside marriage and for purposes other than procreation, I am not referring to them. I am talking about the rest of us: Sexually Healthy America.

Men still like to play with the whores (who doesn't?), but they don't only marry the angels.

If men only married virgins these days, there would be slim pickings out there. Science has proven that women are sexually dynamic creatures, rather than non-reactive, empty vessels designed just to carry fetuses...and we have embraced that notion. In a world that regards simplicity as a virtue, a woman who comes with a verbal instruction manual ("Touch it like this.") is a huge boon. One hundred years ago, we were still fighting for equal rights as citizens; nowadays studies are conducted at major universities, all over the world, just to find out more about our sexual needs. The word "orgasm" is no longer a dirty word, it's the golden ring prize in the sexual arena. Women don't have to suppress their sexuality to be worthy of love, sometimes they are loved for their sexuality. Without embracing our burning desire for sex, my darling husband and I never would have met. That doesn't cheapen our relationship, that honesty makes it stronger.

Can you even imagine living as people did, fifty years ago, unable to speak openly about what you enjoy in bed? Can you imagine saying "no" to someone you really like when you want to say "yes" with every fiber of your being...because of social norms? Can you imagine marrying someone before you have found out if you are even sexually compatible, because "ladies don't do that?"

Is ladylike behavior in danger of extinction or shall we redefine it to fit today's woman? Perhaps today's lady is someone who can conduct herself with dignity in public but is a master of dirty talk in private. Perhaps today's lady is someone full of honor and integrity in the workplace but is a vixen with a kinky streak in the bedroom.

How are you redefining ladylike behavior?

Mary Roach: 10 things you didn't know about orgasm

1.) You were having sex in the womb
2.) You don’t need genitals
3.) You can have them when you are dead
4.) Orgasm can cause bad breath
5.) Orgasm can cure hiccups
6.) Doctors once prescribed orgasm for fertility
7.) Pig farmers still prescribed orgasm for fertility
8.) Female animals are more fun than you think
9.) Studying human orgasm in a lab is not easy
10.) But it sure is entertaining

One of my favorite quotes from the whole book:
"Cheese crumbs spread before a pair of copulating rats will distract the female, but not the male."

My Horizontal Honeymoon and Another Tale of Woe...

Ahhh, my "Horizontal Honeymoon"...but it's not what you think.

We enjoyed the first three days of our honeymoon.  Drinking, fucking, seeing some amazing sights...and then that night, I fell and hit the base of my spine. We found out weeks later that I herniated three disks, tearing one of them.

All that planning!
Our dream trip!

I woke up later that night in such excruciating pain, I ended up blacking out twice before I could wake PSD and let him know what was going on. He was amazing, feeding me Advil and taking me swimming (a lot), being patient with my intolerable (at times) pain and still fucking me (gently) whenever we could. I didn't think it was possible to love him more, but I do!

And now my tale of woe:

The last day of May, my best friend killed himself.
He was my first boyfriend, the first one to feel me up, the first one to put his finger "in there" and after we got past the messy high school break-up, we stayed the best of friends. He was a sick, twisted, brilliant and sweet man...who remembers my vagina fondly.

BFF: You know, sometimes I know I love you as my oldest and dearest friend but sometimes I remember that you are responsible for most the grief and stress in my life!
ME: what did I do now?
BFF: If I had never found the biggest source of happiness and amusement in YOUR pants, I would have been much better off. It's as if you were the one who got me started on crack...so to speak!
BFF: If only you were a prude and not so lusty and good, my life might have been totally different!
BF: So just so u know, every time [girlfriend] drives me crazy with her shit, in the back of my head, I know it's your fault!
BFF: I probably could've gone well into my twenties content to pet the soft fuzz on top. But, hoo boy, once I found out how fun it is INSIDE, my life was totally wrecked and I blame you.
BFF: If you and PSD don't end up getting married, I reserve the right to turn your crotch into a museum!

BFF: You have great nipples!
ME: I know
BFF: Some of the first nipples I ever loved!
ME: they are the first ones you ever loved
BFF: Nope. Mom. But in a different way!
ME: LOL
BFF: If we voted on nipples, they'd probably be Most Popular Nipples of Class of 87-91
ME: excellent
BFF: Don't pout. Your vagina would've probably won Most Talented!
BFF: I think it was actually the unofficial mascot of Spring Break 89!

ME: Three words: Cat In Heat
ME: I am mid-cycle, during a full moon...and I was bored over the weekend, so I started reading some erotica short stories.
BFF: Is this the cat again?
ME: he can't read, nitwit
BFF: Ohh...so u mean you. And?
ME: just mentioning it
ME: I am SO SORE from the weekend, and still I want more
BFF: You need me to swing by there for a lunchtime threesome?
ME: you are so giving, but no...I just ate
BFF: So you just need a camerman for tonight?
ME: Hahahahaha
ME: we have a tripod
ME: you want to be my bestie, you have to listen to my exploits
BFF: Ahhh...so you just need audio...and quit calling him tripod. It'll only go to his head.
BFF: Just give me a heads up so I can shower and secure the car.
BFF: I'm a team player. I'm here to help.
ME: I know
BFF: I can throw PSD a Gatorade and a towel and sub in in case he needs a breather. I'll start stretching now.
ME: Awesome
BFF: Leave the door open. I'll be there around 6. I won't even wear pants.
BFF: I'll just show up with a condom and some lube.
BFF: I'm talking dirty Rueben love.
ME: like the sandwich?
BFF: Yes.
ME: so you're going to smear sauerkraut on me?
BFF: And melted Swiss.
ME: I don't like Swiss
BFF: Havarti?
ME: yes
BFF: Cool.
BFF: Sauerkraut, Havarti, condoms, lube...see u at 6.

So, two weeks before I left on my honeymoon, I had to board a plane to my best friend's funeral. I've lost my first love, a man whose love I never doubted and my soulmate.

So far, July has been a better month.

I'd rather be ravished than raptured!

There, I said it.
And since I am an admitted sinner...and prone to saying "Fuck" a lot...I probably don't have to worry.

I just don't get it.  What is the fun of ascending to heaven, naked, with a bunch of do-gooders?  It's not like there's going to be an orgy when you get there.  At best, you may get to have chaste sex, in the missionary position, with one person for the rest of eternity.  I'd rather suffer down here for the next five months, enjoying my life, until the end of the world, thankyouverymuch.

If you read this blog, chances are you would never be considered for Rapturing because you're not worthy.  Don't believe me?  Check this awesome flowchart I found (click it for the full sized version).

To those of you who will be ascending to heaven at some point today (I'm confused how it works with the time zones...did the people in New Zealand already go?), I bid you adieu.  In all honesty, I won't miss you, because I doubt we socialized much.  I would like to thank you in advance for ensuring those Tea Party wackos won't be running the country in 2012; even though the candidates won't be ascending, they will lose most of their voting base.  To those of you who do think you're worthy and will kill yourselves when you find out you are not...well, I won't miss you either because you're fucking nuts.  

To the rest of us, the non-believers and the believers who are just sinners, stay warped.  I have seen some great ideas for Rapture themed practical jokes:

• Go into hiding, refusing to answer your doorbell, phone, email, texts, etc...
• Using blowup dolls and helium, simulate people ascending to heaven...
• Take unwanted clothes and pairs of shoes and arrange them in piles outside pious neighbors' homes (bonus points for children's clothes and shoes)...

You know what else really chafes my ass?

Again, I am working under an assumption here.

My assumption is this: we cheat because we are lacking something, some basic need is not being met and we seek that fulfillment elsewhere.  We can agree on this, correct?

I have seen this scenario time and time again, and it confounds the ever-living fuck out of me.  You're a married person lacking passion in your relationship...you meet a free-spirited singleton...an affair that defines to word passion ensues...you fall in love...singleton falls in love...you then begin trying to de-spirit the free-spirit to make them conform a little more to your world...WHAT?  Why, for fuck's sake, would you attempt to change them into the very thing you were trying to escape in the first place?

My ex had a girlfriend before we split up.  She was a few years younger than us, never married, no kids and anti-responsibility.  Her wardrobe varied from Old Navy chic to thrift store bohemian and she relished being a beach bum.  When I met her, I laughed at my ex-husband and said, "You fucking idiot...she's me, before you ruined me."

During our years together, he made it his mission to "toughen me up" by removing my rose-tinted glasses and showing me the bitter side of life (he never succeeded).  His other mission was to class me up; he hated the bohemian styles I favored in college, and constantly bought me new clothes.  I never even owned a designer purse before he bought me one, and he bought me several.  Amusingly enough, once we were married, his biggest complaint was that I was a "money-grubbing" bitch with expensive taste.

Much to my delight, he bought her a Coach purse a few months later.

Oh, self-fulfilling prophecies...how I love you so.

Unhappily Married vs. the Singleton

There are a lot of different reasons people cheat; among them are ego, loneliness, sexual gratification.

Regardless of why you cheat, there is one cardinal rule to follow.
Peanut Gallery: Don’t get caught?
OK, there are two rules to follow.

Writing this post, I am working under the assumption that anyone who reads my blog is not a Neanderthal with an inferiority complex who feels the need to bang hot brainless waitresses just for sport. If you are that type, none of this will compute...so close the window and go watch some girl on girl squirt porn instead. Go on, we won’t tell.

The other rule is pretty simple to remember: Marrieds stick with marrieds.

See, here’s the thing, no matter how empty your marriage is, no matter how much you despise one another, no matter how long it has been since you have had sex...until one of you cuts the cord, your heart is simply not your own to give away.

When you sleep with another married in the same loveless situation, you have an unspoken pact, a sort of honor among thieves. Neither of you is expecting the other to be your white knight, you understand one another’s limitations. While a single person may understand and appreciate these limitations, they also have expectations of their own and no limitations.

If you are a married, it is not fair to profess your love to a single. Let’s be honest with one another, if you were really going to go, you would have left already. And if you use that singleton as your excuse to jump ship, do you really want to drag someone you “love” into the whorling vortex of shit that is about to hit the fan?

I have experienced this situation from almost every angle. I have been married fucking married, I have been married fucking single and I have been single fucking married. And while no relationship ends without some hurt feelings, at least married on married has some damn empathy when it’s done.

So man up, even if you have a vagina, and do the right thing.

I am a Fucking Feminist!

I was taught that girls can do anything boys can do.
I was raised to believe that my XX chromosomes are not a handicap.
I have proven that a woman can kick some serious ass in a male-dominated field.

Do I consider myself a feminist?
Abso-fucking-lutely!

Women deserve the same recognition as men.
Women deserve the same pay as men.
Women deserve the same rights as men.
But we are not men.

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of feminism is "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes." Excuse me, I do not see a goddamn thing in there about hairy armpits and man-bashing.

Wait a second, does this mean that I can show some cleavage, fuck like a siren and still be a feminist?
Yes I can!

I didn't see anything about the consensual sexual arena in that definition, did you? If I enjoy being tied up and spanked (and I do!) but deny myself that pleasure because it's somehow degrading to women, am I not being untrue to the principles of feminism? One of the founding principles of feminism is a woman's autonomy over her own body, including the right to cum any old way she sees fits.

Sexual roles are just that, roles. Playing Professor and Student does not automatically earn an honorary Ph.D. for one of us. One of the greatest achievements of feminism is our ability as women to ask for what we want in the bedroom. Because of feminism, we have earned the right to own our sexuality. To submit to someone's dominance, to revel in it, in a consensual sexual arena does not automatically make one spineless. I believe it makes one enlightened, self-aware and probably pretty damn sexually satisfied.

"If I choose to wax my pussy bald, it's not to conform to some misogynistic belief of what is sexy...it's because I love the way it feels when I fuck!" ~ Fyre, 2011

I have never viewed my femininity as a curse, more often than not, it's a blessing. Anyone who claims that women are the weaker sex has never benefited from the myriad of rewards a pretty smile can bring you.

Sweet Talker

PSD has a cold, no biggie but he's pretty run-down. Last night, we went to bed early, around 10 pm; when I offered a bedtime handjob, he declined. But at 2 in the morning, I got an unsolicited "my cock is awake even though the rest of me is not" fuck.

He just IM'd me to tell me he's feeling a lot better today, I asked what we were doing tonight.

PSD: Tonight Glee, study and R&R - with a little dirty playtime
Me: yes sir
PSD: And you have been a bad girl too.
Me: have I?
Me: are you sure you have the energy to prove that?
PSD: Enough to take care of you.
Me: are you sure?
Me: you'll probably have to tie me down to make sure
PSD: Oh yes
Me: I fucking love you
PSD: And I fucking love you too

*Edited to add:
Me: Happy 3 month anniversary!
PSD: Happy anniversary - last night I thought to myself that I have never gone to bed angry or upset with you.
Me: the same
PSD: I am so happy :)
Me: I am so happy too :)
PSD: And you will be even happier later *wink*
Me: Promise?
PSD: Yes
Me: whooohoooooo

Read above: Happily-in-love mushpot!

Performance vs. Passion

Male friend: Oh, I'd bang the hell out of her. She's such a spinner.

Me: But she doesn't seem like she'd be passionate.

Male friend: Huh?

Me: *sigh*

I would like to go on record as saying this: Sex is not only about technique.

If you don't know what I am talking about, I feel for you.

Think back on the best sexual experience you have ever had.

Did it seem as smooth as a carefully edited porno?
Or was it wild, crazy and a little bit sloppy?

God, I hope for your sake you picked the second one...if not, you are missing out. 

Perfection is never boring <@> (that is the Snark Mark, which indicates the prior comment was said sarcastically). Who wouldn't want a carefully scripted sexual encounter <@> (let's just assume that everything I say has a hint of snark and leave it at that)? It's so gratifying to know exactly what is coming, how you're supposed to react to it and how long it is going to last. Then you can practice your fake O face in front of the mirror in your free time.

I had sex with someone once, someone I had wanted to fuck for a long time. Afterward, I was gossiping with a girlfriend and she asked how it was. When I said it was good, she asked me "just good?" So I explained to her that technically I had been properly fucked...but there was no spark, no passion. Yes, he knew which hole to put it in, he knew exactly how hard to thrust, yes I got off and that was about it.

The difference between good sex and great sex is that spark. It is the difference between knowing exactly how hard to thrust and pushing it just a teensy bit further because you are lost in the sensations. It is the impulse to kiss, gnaw, bite, claw and wrap yourself around your partner. It is the difference between looking like a sweaty yet satisfied mess and looking like a perfectly coiffed yet bored to death porn star. It is the impulse to pull hair, smack asses and collapse into a completely satiated puddle at the end, screaming, "Fuck the dismount!"

That moment when you give yourself over to the feeling, when you stop worrying about how you look, if you're doing it right, what anyone thinks and you are just IN the moment...THAT is the passion I am talking about. 

Review: Climax Bursts Anal Lubricant

I had purchased a new anal toy (will review that once we have tried it) and figured I would get some lube designed for the situation.  I read some reviews (people do review lube) and settled on this one.  It has a nifty top that is very easy to open, even one-handed and very impossible to lose, even in the heat of the moment.  It's definitely an anal lube...we tried it once as a regular lube and my clit was just numb enough that it was impossible to cum.  Torturous!  But that slight numbing effect is great in an anal lube.  You can't feel the little Vitamin E beads bursting inside your ass, but it's slippery goodness in a phallic shaped bottle.

You know you want a bottle, so give it a try: Climax Bursts Anal Lube

(Unfortunately, I could not get Adam & Eve to pull up the product page for me to link to it, so I provided a link to the Amazon page.)

We should catch up!

Text Message
April 22, 2011 6:49 AM

Me: Statistically, any day that starts with anal sex is a good day. #justsaying
Male BFF: Statiscally speaking, seeing that anal constitutes 0.00671% of my sexual activity, I'd say it'd be a phenomenal day.
Me: I like your positive outlook!

Married life is good, thanks for asking.

What have we been up to?
The usual: being great parents, having sex as often as we can, working, hanging out with friends, school (finals are coming up), inadvertently picking up friend's girlfriends on swingers websites...nothing out of the ordinary.

I'm perusing profiles on sls.com and I come across a local couple with the intro:

Secure, committed couple..he with previous experience, her being new, but eager. Right now, we are just starting out and looking to play only with each other. We don't mind watching or being watched by others in the room, but no swapping right now. Finding a couple that is fun, sociable and that we get along with outside of the bedroom would be a big plus!

Some of the people on SLS are pushy, like "meet us this weekend" by the second message and when you don't respond they flood you with "still interested?" messages non-stop.  Anyone who has been with me since my AFF days knows I am not about the cheap hook-up, so I write to them:

Sorta new to this as well...looking more to meet same-minded friends than just hookup. Nice to see we're not the only ones. :-)

Two days later I get a message from one of my IRL friends on Facebook:

So, how do I put this....... on SLS.....is my girlfriend and I. And we so appreciate you writing and yes, is nice to see some people with a little different philosophy.

Hahahaha, only me.

More Girl Talk

Me: Gay teens, they're everywhere.
     GOOD!
Her: awesome
     if i had the role models then that are around now, i would never have gotten married
     i would have totally recognized early on
Me: awww
     you're not gay
     you're just a dirty slut
     you swing every way
     and good for you
Her: i am totally bi, bitch...love women a hell of a lot more than men
     men are yucky unless im drunk enough to fuck them
Me: I love the cock
Her: except for PSD, i'd do him sober
Me: if I could put a woman's lips on a man with a great cock
     and thank you for that
     I'd be thrilled
Her: hahahahaaaa
     i think thats why M and i work...i'm blindfolded

Wedded Bliss

Show of hands...who consummated their marriage with anal sex?

*putting hand down*

Me neither.

I am going to marry this man...

Him: No kids until Monday
Me: Ooooh, Daddy...whatever will we do to entertain ourselves?????
Him: Whatever do you mean, me love?
Me: *batting eyes furiously*
Him: giddy up! Yeehaw!!!
Me: Ooooh?
Him: I may have to break you in order to tame the wild beast
Him: I will need rope, a tube of lube and a jackhammer - stat!
Me: Yay!
Him: Don't worry, the jackhammer will be ribbed for her pleasure - hehehe
Him: brought to you by Carl's Jr.

GUARANTEED!

"Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time." ~Tommy Boy