I'd rather be ravished than raptured!

There, I said it.
And since I am an admitted sinner...and prone to saying "Fuck" a lot...I probably don't have to worry.

I just don't get it.  What is the fun of ascending to heaven, naked, with a bunch of do-gooders?  It's not like there's going to be an orgy when you get there.  At best, you may get to have chaste sex, in the missionary position, with one person for the rest of eternity.  I'd rather suffer down here for the next five months, enjoying my life, until the end of the world, thankyouverymuch.

If you read this blog, chances are you would never be considered for Rapturing because you're not worthy.  Don't believe me?  Check this awesome flowchart I found (click it for the full sized version).

To those of you who will be ascending to heaven at some point today (I'm confused how it works with the time zones...did the people in New Zealand already go?), I bid you adieu.  In all honesty, I won't miss you, because I doubt we socialized much.  I would like to thank you in advance for ensuring those Tea Party wackos won't be running the country in 2012; even though the candidates won't be ascending, they will lose most of their voting base.  To those of you who do think you're worthy and will kill yourselves when you find out you are not...well, I won't miss you either because you're fucking nuts.  

To the rest of us, the non-believers and the believers who are just sinners, stay warped.  I have seen some great ideas for Rapture themed practical jokes:

• Go into hiding, refusing to answer your doorbell, phone, email, texts, etc...
• Using blowup dolls and helium, simulate people ascending to heaven...
• Take unwanted clothes and pairs of shoes and arrange them in piles outside pious neighbors' homes (bonus points for children's clothes and shoes)...