First post of 2009!

I wish I had something more interesting to report.

I wake up and this is the first message I see...

The DarkLrd: you look familiar. Have we ever met before?
I (refrain from responding): No, because I am young, hot and interesting. Clearly, we have nothing in common.

Give me a little while to drink my coffee and I might just send it.

Blissful Surrender

We all chase after things. We chase money. We chase dreams. We chase the wrong people. We chase thrills. When we don’t get what we are chasing after, we feel unsatisfied.
There’s a difference between satisfaction and fulfillment. Satisfaction is gratifying. Satisfaction can put a smile on one’s face. But satisfaction is temporary, and when it’s gone, one feels unfulfilled.
What if what one is chasing is out of reach; something that can never be achieved? Then one is not just unsatisfied, one is doomed to be unfulfilled forever.
We all chase after fleeting things: money, dreams, love, thrills. What if we chased after something permanent? If we achieved it, could we find fulfillment?
At what cost would it come, though?
Once in my life I experienced total bliss, complete surrender, perfect peace. But I chose life over that sublime feeling, therefore making it temporary and leaving me unfulfilled.
I believed I was about to die, and in that brief time my mind told me to just let go, it would be so much easier than fighting anymore. That’s when I surrendered to it, and this amazing feeling of calm just washed over me. It was the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt, everything just slipped away and I was finally at peace. But my will to survive won out, and I fought my way back to an imperfect existence. Good or bad, I had a lot to live for, things to learn, love to experience.
I am so often restless, too many times my satisfaction is short-lived. I wonder what it is that I am chasing, why I have trouble identifying it. Is it because I am chasing that feeling of blissful surrender; that perfect feeling I felt in the moments my life was being stolen from me? Have I doomed myself to a life of unfulfillment simply by my desire to live?
No need to call the suicide hotline for me, I would rather live an imperfect life than experience a perfect death. I relish every moment of my life, I am thankful for every day, even the bad ones, but I know I will spend every day of my life chasing that feeling.

An AFF Success!

Amid the losers and trash, you occasionally find a good one.

I had received a message on AFF from a guy who lives elsewhere in the state, but travels down here. We exchanged a few messages and then switched to instant messenger. I liked chatting with him, he was (as my friends and I say) "one of us." He was in my area for the holiday, free for the evening and leaving the next day. Did I want to meet him that night for a drink? Yeah, I think I did.

He had plans earlier in the day, we chatted on the phone, texted back and forth and then I set out to meet him. We met at one of my favorite bars, had a few drinks. Did I mention he was cute? Very cute. Since we were in the downtown area, we decided to go for a walk around town. Did I mention he was a good kisser? Very good kisser. Lots of little alleys between the buildings to duck into and kiss and grope, so we did. Hey look, a parking garage. A reasonably deserted one at that. So we took the elevator to the completely deserted roof. It was a gorgeous night, cool and breezy. More kissing and groping...and what do you know?

AFF is a hook-up site, after all.

A truly smooth approach

So just last night this guy wrote to me on AFF. He mentioned IMMEDIATELY that he lives alone. We chatted on IM for a few minutes and he mentioned it again, then invited me to go out tonight. I declined. In addition to having my child this weekend, he was too pushy too soon.

This morning he invited me out for tonight again, and I reiterated my child excuse to him. Keep in mind that I started speaking to this guy less than 12 hours ago. I get this via IM:

Him: hey...I am off Mon..Tue....Wed and I have a new comp
Him: Could you take some new pics for me here please?
Me: take pics?
Me: huh?
Him: yes...on my laptop....a few in my uniform...half naked....lol
Him: some in regular clothes, half naked
Him: but none naked...k?
Me: I didn't ask for any
Me: did I?
Him: LOL....Sweetie....I need some new pis because I don't have any right now due to a new laptop. I need some new pics to update my profile pics
Me: I am sooooo not following
Me: I didn't ask for pics
Me: you want me to photograph you?
Me: I work and I have a child
Him: Umm...real easy....use my laptop's camera and take some pics for me
Him: yessss!!!
Me: that camera sucks
Him: u got it....
Him: it will only take 30 mins sweetie...geeezzz
Me: I am not coming to your house
Me: I don't know you
Him: u have a better camera?
Me: I do
Me: but it's being repaired
Me: and I would not come to your house anyway
Him: I am a nice guy...an Army Recruiter
Him: I just want u to take pics??? whats wrong
Me: uh huh
Me: very smooth technique
Me: try the self-timer
Him: sounds to me like u have been hanging out with the wrong kind of guy
Me: not at all
Him: maybe we will have sex but not when u take pics silly
Me: I avoid guys who try to get me to
Me: their houses first thing
Me: good luck your search
Him: well....let me help you avoid me....BYE!
Him: I just wanted to be friends....take some pics of me.....damn,,,,,

And this is where it ended, such a tragically brief love affair. *gagging*

I have been a bad blogger and some other random thoughts

I am now averaging a post a month...rather than the non-stop babble of the first couple of months.
I am writing a lot, but so much of it is so personal, I'd rather not bring you guys down.

That being said, I have started prowling AFF again. It's an amusing diversion with an occasional payoff, so why not? I am still seeing Clothespin, but our schedules are so busy and somehow completely opposite, that we don't get to actually see one another much. While I wish we could see one another more, I understand that life gets in the way of pleasure. If seeing one another only once a month is how it has to be, I am willing to settle for it to keep him in my life for now.

Ready to barf from the sweet sentiments yet? Let me move onto the weirdo bashing.

This one guy contacted me on AFF (where else?) and his profile indicated that his "male endowment" was "Long/Thick." If you are going to lie, do not post a picture of your penis! I cannot stress this enough, men! Anyone who knows my "rule of thumb" will understand when I say this guy meets the requirement. Not that there's anything wrong with a less than average penis, if you know what you're doing with it...but don't lie! You are setting everyone up for disappointment. Automatic delete!

Then there was the guy with no patience. Three e-mails within two days because he was tired of waiting for a reply? My auto-reply even says, "Life gets in the way. Patience is a virtue, I'll read them when I have time." Hey Fuckface, I have a life outside of trolling for cock online. Automatic delete!

I did make some new friends, hopefully some new stories to share soon.

Self-destruction on a silver platter

My natural response to feeling insecure or powerless in a situation is self-destructive behavior. I have used drugs, alcohol, married and otherwise unavailable men. I have used and abused people, and I have allowed them to do the same to me. Many times, I have often wondered at this peculiar personality trait but never took the time to over-analyze it. These days, it seems I have nothing but time to analyze myself...not always a good thing.

Why do I insist of punishing myself further when I am already feeling low? Why would I want to engage in behavior that is sure to make the entire situation worse?

Have I engaged in so much self-destructive behavior, have I done so many horrible things, have I betrayed so many people that I believe that I don’t deserve real happiness?

Am I so scared of my own past that I feel guilty for trying to just do things like normal (there’s a subjective term) people? While I understand that my future is completely up to me, part of me worries that my past dictates a lot of that future. Anyone who knows the things I have done will just be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and nothing I ever say or do can change that. You cannot prove a theory, only disprove it.

Overall, I am a good person. I know this about myself; I just forget it a lot. I'm smart and sweet and loving and I care about people...so why do I do these things guaranteed to hurt myself and the people who love me?

Maybe I don't forget I am a good person. Maybe I know it deep inside, always, and that's why I don't understand the bad things that happen to me. Maybe I have to create a reason to be "bad" to validate why these things happen to me. Maybe I have to create a reason to deserve to be punished so cruelly by The Universe so it all doesn't seem so unfair. It's easier to still have faith in The Universe if you deserve your punishment rather than having to accept that horrific things can happen to good, undeserving people.

Maybe finally realizing what motivates me to hurt myself over and over again will stop the endless cycle.

Broken Toy

Most people think that broken toys are ruined, but I have learned, for some people, it’s what they prefer.
You spend your life with someone, you begin to believe what they think of you. Even if it’s mildly off-base or flat-out wrong, you start to see it their way. You believe what they believe.
I lived with someone for so long who told me I was fat and stupid and lazy, that I started to believe it. Once I was away from him, I started to see myself for what I really am, what I used to believe I am, and that’s someone pretty fucking spectacular. I remember now who I used to be; the person I was before I was broken.
I was fun. I was free with my love, not because I was insecure, but because I had enough love to give, I wanted to share it. I was witty. I was the person my friends turned to for my wisdom and my blatant honesty, I never pulled punches. I was beautiful. I smiled all the time for no reason, except that I wanted everyone around me to be happy, too.
Why would someone want to break a toy like that? Insecurity? I believe it’s what makes the world go ‘round.
I guess how I got broken does not matter. The simple fact is, I was broken and ruined. Instead of being the bright shiny toy in the window, I was now the battered doll at the bottom of the Lost & Found box.
Being stuck at the bottom of the box gives you a lot of time to think. As openly as I try to lead my life, I drive myself insane, figuring out my motivations, analyzing everything and then overanalyzing my evaluations. What motivated me to do this? Why do I like that? What is wrong with me?
I am raw. I feel things too strongly. I let my neuroses get the better of me most of the time. I overreact. I hurt. I confront. I talk too much. I curse. I cry.
But at least I am real. At least I am finally feeling things again.
At last, I have figured it out. I cannot wait for someone to come along and fix me. This box is dark and lonely and no one may ever rescue me. I certainly cannot waste anymore time with men who prefer me broken. They end up leaving you even more damaged in the end.
I guess I am going to have to fix myself.