Self-destruction on a silver platter

My natural response to feeling insecure or powerless in a situation is self-destructive behavior. I have used drugs, alcohol, married and otherwise unavailable men. I have used and abused people, and I have allowed them to do the same to me. Many times, I have often wondered at this peculiar personality trait but never took the time to over-analyze it. These days, it seems I have nothing but time to analyze myself...not always a good thing.

Why do I insist of punishing myself further when I am already feeling low? Why would I want to engage in behavior that is sure to make the entire situation worse?

Have I engaged in so much self-destructive behavior, have I done so many horrible things, have I betrayed so many people that I believe that I don’t deserve real happiness?

Am I so scared of my own past that I feel guilty for trying to just do things like normal (there’s a subjective term) people? While I understand that my future is completely up to me, part of me worries that my past dictates a lot of that future. Anyone who knows the things I have done will just be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and nothing I ever say or do can change that. You cannot prove a theory, only disprove it.

Overall, I am a good person. I know this about myself; I just forget it a lot. I'm smart and sweet and loving and I care about people...so why do I do these things guaranteed to hurt myself and the people who love me?

Maybe I don't forget I am a good person. Maybe I know it deep inside, always, and that's why I don't understand the bad things that happen to me. Maybe I have to create a reason to be "bad" to validate why these things happen to me. Maybe I have to create a reason to deserve to be punished so cruelly by The Universe so it all doesn't seem so unfair. It's easier to still have faith in The Universe if you deserve your punishment rather than having to accept that horrific things can happen to good, undeserving people.

Maybe finally realizing what motivates me to hurt myself over and over again will stop the endless cycle.