Broken Toy

Most people think that broken toys are ruined, but I have learned, for some people, it’s what they prefer.
You spend your life with someone, you begin to believe what they think of you. Even if it’s mildly off-base or flat-out wrong, you start to see it their way. You believe what they believe.
I lived with someone for so long who told me I was fat and stupid and lazy, that I started to believe it. Once I was away from him, I started to see myself for what I really am, what I used to believe I am, and that’s someone pretty fucking spectacular. I remember now who I used to be; the person I was before I was broken.
I was fun. I was free with my love, not because I was insecure, but because I had enough love to give, I wanted to share it. I was witty. I was the person my friends turned to for my wisdom and my blatant honesty, I never pulled punches. I was beautiful. I smiled all the time for no reason, except that I wanted everyone around me to be happy, too.
Why would someone want to break a toy like that? Insecurity? I believe it’s what makes the world go ‘round.
I guess how I got broken does not matter. The simple fact is, I was broken and ruined. Instead of being the bright shiny toy in the window, I was now the battered doll at the bottom of the Lost & Found box.
Being stuck at the bottom of the box gives you a lot of time to think. As openly as I try to lead my life, I drive myself insane, figuring out my motivations, analyzing everything and then overanalyzing my evaluations. What motivated me to do this? Why do I like that? What is wrong with me?
I am raw. I feel things too strongly. I let my neuroses get the better of me most of the time. I overreact. I hurt. I confront. I talk too much. I curse. I cry.
But at least I am real. At least I am finally feeling things again.
At last, I have figured it out. I cannot wait for someone to come along and fix me. This box is dark and lonely and no one may ever rescue me. I certainly cannot waste anymore time with men who prefer me broken. They end up leaving you even more damaged in the end.
I guess I am going to have to fix myself.