Rebirth

Without my even realizing it, I have calmed down a lot in the last several weeks. Someone I met on AFF, who I chat with regularly, asked if I was still on there and that's when I realized I haven't checked any of my online ads for a couple of weeks now.

When my marriage spontaneously combusted, I spent two months healing, physically and mentally. Once I got past those first two months, I spent the next four months running around like my vagina was on fire. I don't regret the things I have done, regrets are just wasted energies, but I do think it's time to reign myself in a bit and start living my life in a more constructive manner.

I may have said this before, and if I am repeating myself, I apologize (it's one of my more annoying quirks, as many friends will testify): one of the unexpected benefits of being completely deconstructed is being able to rebuild yourself however you want. We are the sum of our genetics being affected by our experiences, but sometimes we let those experiences affect us in ways we do not like. Having your whole world torn apart, being forced to rebuild who you are from the foundation up allows you to change how those experiences have affected you...a fresh start.

I wish I could say that I am so wise and all-knowing that I knew this all along and have been working toward being a better person the whole time; but alas, I am simply human. More to the point, a human who was abused and victimized and ended up mildly traumatized. That combination will work wonders on your psyche, allow you to play the victim and be manipulated into all sorts of things you would never normally do.

Someone recently made me realize that I was not quite living up to what I should be. I was aspiring to be something better but my actions didn't match my intentions. I want to be a better person than I was before. I don't want to lie and cheat. I don't want to inadvertently hurt people or their families. I don't want to bend the rules of friendship to get what I want from people. I want to be the sort of person I can be proud of.

Here's to rebirth.