Blissful Surrender

We all chase after things. We chase money. We chase dreams. We chase the wrong people. We chase thrills. When we don’t get what we are chasing after, we feel unsatisfied.
There’s a difference between satisfaction and fulfillment. Satisfaction is gratifying. Satisfaction can put a smile on one’s face. But satisfaction is temporary, and when it’s gone, one feels unfulfilled.
What if what one is chasing is out of reach; something that can never be achieved? Then one is not just unsatisfied, one is doomed to be unfulfilled forever.
We all chase after fleeting things: money, dreams, love, thrills. What if we chased after something permanent? If we achieved it, could we find fulfillment?
At what cost would it come, though?
Once in my life I experienced total bliss, complete surrender, perfect peace. But I chose life over that sublime feeling, therefore making it temporary and leaving me unfulfilled.
I believed I was about to die, and in that brief time my mind told me to just let go, it would be so much easier than fighting anymore. That’s when I surrendered to it, and this amazing feeling of calm just washed over me. It was the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt, everything just slipped away and I was finally at peace. But my will to survive won out, and I fought my way back to an imperfect existence. Good or bad, I had a lot to live for, things to learn, love to experience.
I am so often restless, too many times my satisfaction is short-lived. I wonder what it is that I am chasing, why I have trouble identifying it. Is it because I am chasing that feeling of blissful surrender; that perfect feeling I felt in the moments my life was being stolen from me? Have I doomed myself to a life of unfulfillment simply by my desire to live?
No need to call the suicide hotline for me, I would rather live an imperfect life than experience a perfect death. I relish every moment of my life, I am thankful for every day, even the bad ones, but I know I will spend every day of my life chasing that feeling.