Rebirth

Without my even realizing it, I have calmed down a lot in the last several weeks. Someone I met on AFF, who I chat with regularly, asked if I was still on there and that's when I realized I haven't checked any of my online ads for a couple of weeks now.

When my marriage spontaneously combusted, I spent two months healing, physically and mentally. Once I got past those first two months, I spent the next four months running around like my vagina was on fire. I don't regret the things I have done, regrets are just wasted energies, but I do think it's time to reign myself in a bit and start living my life in a more constructive manner.

I may have said this before, and if I am repeating myself, I apologize (it's one of my more annoying quirks, as many friends will testify): one of the unexpected benefits of being completely deconstructed is being able to rebuild yourself however you want. We are the sum of our genetics being affected by our experiences, but sometimes we let those experiences affect us in ways we do not like. Having your whole world torn apart, being forced to rebuild who you are from the foundation up allows you to change how those experiences have affected you...a fresh start.

I wish I could say that I am so wise and all-knowing that I knew this all along and have been working toward being a better person the whole time; but alas, I am simply human. More to the point, a human who was abused and victimized and ended up mildly traumatized. That combination will work wonders on your psyche, allow you to play the victim and be manipulated into all sorts of things you would never normally do.

Someone recently made me realize that I was not quite living up to what I should be. I was aspiring to be something better but my actions didn't match my intentions. I want to be a better person than I was before. I don't want to lie and cheat. I don't want to inadvertently hurt people or their families. I don't want to bend the rules of friendship to get what I want from people. I want to be the sort of person I can be proud of.

Here's to rebirth.

The weirdest thing that's happened to me (thus far)

The other night, I am out with my friends. We were at a local bar we like, they have a great band, shots for all, we were having a good time. Some guys flirted, I flirted back, a pretty normal night. Some guy comes right up to me at the table, no easy feat since I had wedged myself into the corner, and asks me, "Have you ever been on Alt.com?" Now, for future reference, when a stranger asks you this, the answer is, "No," but I had been drinking and I was caught off guard, so I said, "Yes." He makes a circular motion around his face like I should know who he is and I stare at him, blankly. "What's your screen name?" I ask him and he starts to reply. Right away I know who it is.

When I first signed up on Alt.com he was one of the people I met. Nice enough guy but after chatting a few times, he's not for me. I have successfully avoided him for a couple of months, occasionally chatting with him on Yahoo, but never making plans with him or calling him no matter how many times he gives me his number. Evidently the subtle let-down is lost on this guy, and I will remember next time not to bother sparing a stranger's feelings.

He just sits right down and begins introducing himself to everyone at my table. My friends, you know, the people who actually know me, can tell I am extremely uncomfortable and keep giving me the "let's get rid of this asshole" look. Being the sweet girl I am, I am still attempting to not be Super Cunt so I tell them no. I turn completely away from him and ignore him, he still does not take the hint. By now, one of my male companions, who happens to be drinking tequila (and that is why I shall call him Tequila), is getting annoyed. He keeps asking me to give him the go to get rid of this guy, I still say no, in my attempt to keep it all friendly and not start a huge bar brawl (I have matured a lot in the last several years).

After about 10 minutes, he finally gets the hint (so I think) and leaves. I run outside for a cigarette and some anonymity. We come back inside to our table and soon enough, my leech is back. Before Tequila pounds his face into the table, he leaves again...but not for long. By this point I am squished into the tiniest corner, literally behind everyone, and hanging on Tequila like a sweater. He just comes right back there with me. Balls of Steel or Absolute Lack of Social Decorum?

This time I give Tequila the go. I think what I said was, "Please get rid of this guy, he's freaking me out." Tequila edges him out of the corner and tells him, "Dude, you're done." So he leaves...again. At this point, the average drunk idiot would have just assumed I was "with" Tequila and left it alone, but not this guy. Oh no, he came back again! This time Tequila told him, "Get the FUCK out of here!"

I am a rather brazen girl. I don't get scared too easily, especially in public places. But this weirdo had me so freaked out, I instituted a buddy system whenever any of the females had to run to the bathroom (which promptly fell apart because DD is an idiot when she drinks). We managed to avoid him for the rest of the night, but then the messaging started. After all that, this idiot actually messaged me, more than once, to see what I was up to afterward.

From one fucking profile picture. How fucking crazy is that?

Oh yeah, the best part?
He was wearing a Donald Duck t-shirt...in a fucking bar.

Tonight's Winner o' the Day

Just for funsies, I logged onto AFF tonight.

dabi***69
43 year old Man
Port Saint Lucie, Florida

we talked on th ephone a couple of weeks ago.. we met on another site.. rich from port st lucie... lets meet at a hotel and just have sex?? not trying to be forward... just want you? sorry if i offended you... forgive me!!

Yeah...no. I rarely, if ever, talk to people on the phone and I would remember a guy that old because it's out of the norm for me anyway.

My reply: We met on another site? Really? Which one?

I can't wait to hear this answer.

His reply: yes back in june... we talked 2 times i think.. i worked 2nd shift at the time...i cant remember the site name you live in jupiter though..

Riiiiiiiight.

My reply: Except that I live no where near Jupiter (as it says on my profile) and I didn't join any sites until July. Nice try, though...LOL

Loser with a big ole Capital L.

The Clothespin Story

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Some more thoughts on respect

There are some people out there who disrespect you, no matter what. Do they not realize how their actions affect you or do they just not care? Are they that oblivious or that egotistical?

I know someone who thinks we are friends, but refuses to treat me with any modicum of respect. I have even told him that the way he treats me is disrespectful, but he either doesn't see it or refuses to acknowledge it. It hurts worse because it's someone I thought I respected, but now I see that he is no friend of mine.

My friend and I were discussing this phenomenon and she pointed out to me, even in a relationship that has a top and a bottom, there still needs to be respect or it will not work. I will go a step further and say that in a friendship that is supposed to be mutual, this will be cataclysmic.

You can beg, plead or reason with someone...but if they don't find you worthy of respect, you will never earn it.

Even I get burned out...

I had to take a break from AFF. Since I moved into my new place, I don't have time to keep up with the insane influx of messages. I have a real life...I go out, I have fun, I date. Plus, I have met more than enough people to keep my dance card filled for a while.

I am going through a stage, and I promise it's just a stage, where it is more annoying to deal with the idiots than to use them a fodder for making fun of to my friends. There are some great people available, and I am pretty sure I have met at least 75% of what is even date-able out there. My good luck won't last forever, I don't lead a charmed life. I will be back to trolling through the scummy waters of AFF someday again.

Speaking of filled dance cards, I have been such a busy little beaver (*giggle*) lately that I think I have even burned myself out on sex. Alright, I was just kidding about that. Did I scare you?

I have always said, when it rains, it pours. Either no one wants you, or everyone wants you. There is no middle ground. If I have to choose, I will just get my umbrella out and make the best of it.

Respect

A male friend and I were chatting one day about sex, huge surprise. The friend made reference to an encounter he had recently had with a female friend of mine. I commented that although I do love to squeeze in a quickie, for a first time with someone I expect a little more from them. He told me that an encounter with someone like me would be different because I command respect.

That made me feel good for two reasons. The first (and more obvious) reason being that every girl loves a compliment, especially when it comes from a man they would like to fuck. The second reason being that I have often said that to people about myself, and hearing someone else say it validated me and my concern that it was just my big-mouth bravado, rather than the actual truth.

I do a lot of crazy things, and I know my friends sometimes just sit back and shake their heads, but I always try to carry myself with respect. It's not a Walk of Shame if your head is held high.