I'd rather be ravished than raptured!

There, I said it.
And since I am an admitted sinner...and prone to saying "Fuck" a lot...I probably don't have to worry.

I just don't get it.  What is the fun of ascending to heaven, naked, with a bunch of do-gooders?  It's not like there's going to be an orgy when you get there.  At best, you may get to have chaste sex, in the missionary position, with one person for the rest of eternity.  I'd rather suffer down here for the next five months, enjoying my life, until the end of the world, thankyouverymuch.

If you read this blog, chances are you would never be considered for Rapturing because you're not worthy.  Don't believe me?  Check this awesome flowchart I found (click it for the full sized version).

To those of you who will be ascending to heaven at some point today (I'm confused how it works with the time zones...did the people in New Zealand already go?), I bid you adieu.  In all honesty, I won't miss you, because I doubt we socialized much.  I would like to thank you in advance for ensuring those Tea Party wackos won't be running the country in 2012; even though the candidates won't be ascending, they will lose most of their voting base.  To those of you who do think you're worthy and will kill yourselves when you find out you are not...well, I won't miss you either because you're fucking nuts.  

To the rest of us, the non-believers and the believers who are just sinners, stay warped.  I have seen some great ideas for Rapture themed practical jokes:

• Go into hiding, refusing to answer your doorbell, phone, email, texts, etc...
• Using blowup dolls and helium, simulate people ascending to heaven...
• Take unwanted clothes and pairs of shoes and arrange them in piles outside pious neighbors' homes (bonus points for children's clothes and shoes)...

You know what else really chafes my ass?

Again, I am working under an assumption here.

My assumption is this: we cheat because we are lacking something, some basic need is not being met and we seek that fulfillment elsewhere.  We can agree on this, correct?

I have seen this scenario time and time again, and it confounds the ever-living fuck out of me.  You're a married person lacking passion in your relationship...you meet a free-spirited singleton...an affair that defines to word passion ensues...you fall in love...singleton falls in love...you then begin trying to de-spirit the free-spirit to make them conform a little more to your world...WHAT?  Why, for fuck's sake, would you attempt to change them into the very thing you were trying to escape in the first place?

My ex had a girlfriend before we split up.  She was a few years younger than us, never married, no kids and anti-responsibility.  Her wardrobe varied from Old Navy chic to thrift store bohemian and she relished being a beach bum.  When I met her, I laughed at my ex-husband and said, "You fucking idiot...she's me, before you ruined me."

During our years together, he made it his mission to "toughen me up" by removing my rose-tinted glasses and showing me the bitter side of life (he never succeeded).  His other mission was to class me up; he hated the bohemian styles I favored in college, and constantly bought me new clothes.  I never even owned a designer purse before he bought me one, and he bought me several.  Amusingly enough, once we were married, his biggest complaint was that I was a "money-grubbing" bitch with expensive taste.

Much to my delight, he bought her a Coach purse a few months later.

Oh, self-fulfilling prophecies...how I love you so.

Unhappily Married vs. the Singleton

There are a lot of different reasons people cheat; among them are ego, loneliness, sexual gratification.

Regardless of why you cheat, there is one cardinal rule to follow.
Peanut Gallery: Don’t get caught?
OK, there are two rules to follow.

Writing this post, I am working under the assumption that anyone who reads my blog is not a Neanderthal with an inferiority complex who feels the need to bang hot brainless waitresses just for sport. If you are that type, none of this will compute...so close the window and go watch some girl on girl squirt porn instead. Go on, we won’t tell.

The other rule is pretty simple to remember: Marrieds stick with marrieds.

See, here’s the thing, no matter how empty your marriage is, no matter how much you despise one another, no matter how long it has been since you have had sex...until one of you cuts the cord, your heart is simply not your own to give away.

When you sleep with another married in the same loveless situation, you have an unspoken pact, a sort of honor among thieves. Neither of you is expecting the other to be your white knight, you understand one another’s limitations. While a single person may understand and appreciate these limitations, they also have expectations of their own and no limitations.

If you are a married, it is not fair to profess your love to a single. Let’s be honest with one another, if you were really going to go, you would have left already. And if you use that singleton as your excuse to jump ship, do you really want to drag someone you “love” into the whorling vortex of shit that is about to hit the fan?

I have experienced this situation from almost every angle. I have been married fucking married, I have been married fucking single and I have been single fucking married. And while no relationship ends without some hurt feelings, at least married on married has some damn empathy when it’s done.

So man up, even if you have a vagina, and do the right thing.

I am a Fucking Feminist!

I was taught that girls can do anything boys can do.
I was raised to believe that my XX chromosomes are not a handicap.
I have proven that a woman can kick some serious ass in a male-dominated field.

Do I consider myself a feminist?
Abso-fucking-lutely!

Women deserve the same recognition as men.
Women deserve the same pay as men.
Women deserve the same rights as men.
But we are not men.

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of feminism is "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes." Excuse me, I do not see a goddamn thing in there about hairy armpits and man-bashing.

Wait a second, does this mean that I can show some cleavage, fuck like a siren and still be a feminist?
Yes I can!

I didn't see anything about the consensual sexual arena in that definition, did you? If I enjoy being tied up and spanked (and I do!) but deny myself that pleasure because it's somehow degrading to women, am I not being untrue to the principles of feminism? One of the founding principles of feminism is a woman's autonomy over her own body, including the right to cum any old way she sees fits.

Sexual roles are just that, roles. Playing Professor and Student does not automatically earn an honorary Ph.D. for one of us. One of the greatest achievements of feminism is our ability as women to ask for what we want in the bedroom. Because of feminism, we have earned the right to own our sexuality. To submit to someone's dominance, to revel in it, in a consensual sexual arena does not automatically make one spineless. I believe it makes one enlightened, self-aware and probably pretty damn sexually satisfied.

"If I choose to wax my pussy bald, it's not to conform to some misogynistic belief of what is sexy...it's because I love the way it feels when I fuck!" ~ Fyre, 2011

I have never viewed my femininity as a curse, more often than not, it's a blessing. Anyone who claims that women are the weaker sex has never benefited from the myriad of rewards a pretty smile can bring you.