Me: Tonight is our last chance to have sex in 2010.
Him: No.
Me: Yes.
Him: No, I will be home on Friday.
Me: I will have my period by then.
Him: [wraps arms around me] Anal counts.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Unapologetically Me
Compatibility is hard to find.
You can connect with someone emotionally but not physically. You can connect with someone physically but not emotionally. And far too many people settle for a ridiculously small percentage of either.
Everyone has this ideal image of...well, what is ideal...but everyone's ideal is different.
So many people have this image of happily ever after: the big wedding, the quintessential nuclear family and a lifetime of smiles. Fuck Walt Disney and his unreal expectations. How many people do you know that really have that? When I think of the people I know, a disproportionate amount of them that are still in their first marriage, the one where they bought into all that fairytale crap, are pretty fucking miserable. And the ones who have escaped that antiquated notion and are now living their lives on their own terms are blossoming and happy.
Does this mean I think everyone should run out an' get themselves a dayvorce?
NO!
I think that we need to stop forcing IDEAL down everyone's throat.
The stereotypical American ideal: marriage with two kids, a house in the burbs and dog, and family dinner at Applebee's followed by mediocre sex once a week. You're laughing because it sounds so stereotypical and bland, but look around you. I know people living this life, and bless their little hearts, for some of them, it seems to be working. But here's where it gets complicated...maybe it's working for them, but how about their partners? Compatibility...it's a bitch.
While you are happy as a pig in shit with your 80's sitcom life, your partner is clawing at the walls to escape, to have sex more than once a week, to do something different...to find their own ideal.
Everyone's ideal is different. A friend and I were discussing a mutual acquaintance whom he felt badly for, because he sees her on a downward spiral. I told him that the beauty of rock bottom is you can only go up. He asked when she would hit bottom, I replied, it's different for everyone. Maybe her ideal isn't sobriety. Maybe her ideal is passed out on the bathroom floor with a bottle beside her. Why do we assume everyone is the same?
Every path to enlightenment involves a journey...and every journey is different. Some involve deep meditation, some involve intensive therapy, I opted for wrapping my vagina around everything I could. But at the tail end of that journey, I found PSD, a man who accepted me for what I am and has the same hopes for the future as me. He doesn't expect me to be anymore than I want to be and I feel the same about him. I am exactly what you see, unapologetically me.
Just the other day I got a call from my best friend's estranged girlfriend. She is going through a tough divorce, she and my BFF have essentially called it quits. I listened to her telling me how she isn't ready to date yet but how she's holding out hope that she and my BFF will still make it work...once he gets his life in order (he's a hippie, he comes and goes), once he gets a good stable job, once he blah blah blah blah... And as I was listening, I realized they would NEVER make it work, because they have such different ideals. She is just assigning all the typical ideals from her first marriage (house in the burbs, btw...two kids...no dog, she's allergic) to him. He is not meant for that world, I don't care how much they love one another, it is destined for failure. She loves him but she doesn't understand him. She just assumes that if he loves her, he will want all that for himself, because that's what normal people do.
Evidently normal people fool themselves into believing they are lemmings and plug along until their miserable deaths.
Fuck being normal, I'll stick with being ideal.
You can connect with someone emotionally but not physically. You can connect with someone physically but not emotionally. And far too many people settle for a ridiculously small percentage of either.
Everyone has this ideal image of...well, what is ideal...but everyone's ideal is different.
So many people have this image of happily ever after: the big wedding, the quintessential nuclear family and a lifetime of smiles. Fuck Walt Disney and his unreal expectations. How many people do you know that really have that? When I think of the people I know, a disproportionate amount of them that are still in their first marriage, the one where they bought into all that fairytale crap, are pretty fucking miserable. And the ones who have escaped that antiquated notion and are now living their lives on their own terms are blossoming and happy.
Does this mean I think everyone should run out an' get themselves a dayvorce?
NO!
I think that we need to stop forcing IDEAL down everyone's throat.
The stereotypical American ideal: marriage with two kids, a house in the burbs and dog, and family dinner at Applebee's followed by mediocre sex once a week. You're laughing because it sounds so stereotypical and bland, but look around you. I know people living this life, and bless their little hearts, for some of them, it seems to be working. But here's where it gets complicated...maybe it's working for them, but how about their partners? Compatibility...it's a bitch.
While you are happy as a pig in shit with your 80's sitcom life, your partner is clawing at the walls to escape, to have sex more than once a week, to do something different...to find their own ideal.
Everyone's ideal is different. A friend and I were discussing a mutual acquaintance whom he felt badly for, because he sees her on a downward spiral. I told him that the beauty of rock bottom is you can only go up. He asked when she would hit bottom, I replied, it's different for everyone. Maybe her ideal isn't sobriety. Maybe her ideal is passed out on the bathroom floor with a bottle beside her. Why do we assume everyone is the same?
Every path to enlightenment involves a journey...and every journey is different. Some involve deep meditation, some involve intensive therapy, I opted for wrapping my vagina around everything I could. But at the tail end of that journey, I found PSD, a man who accepted me for what I am and has the same hopes for the future as me. He doesn't expect me to be anymore than I want to be and I feel the same about him. I am exactly what you see, unapologetically me.
Just the other day I got a call from my best friend's estranged girlfriend. She is going through a tough divorce, she and my BFF have essentially called it quits. I listened to her telling me how she isn't ready to date yet but how she's holding out hope that she and my BFF will still make it work...once he gets his life in order (he's a hippie, he comes and goes), once he gets a good stable job, once he blah blah blah blah... And as I was listening, I realized they would NEVER make it work, because they have such different ideals. She is just assigning all the typical ideals from her first marriage (house in the burbs, btw...two kids...no dog, she's allergic) to him. He is not meant for that world, I don't care how much they love one another, it is destined for failure. She loves him but she doesn't understand him. She just assumes that if he loves her, he will want all that for himself, because that's what normal people do.
Evidently normal people fool themselves into believing they are lemmings and plug along until their miserable deaths.
Fuck being normal, I'll stick with being ideal.
"...I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." ~Clementine Kruczynski
Monday, December 20, 2010
Decisions, decisions...
It's just us tonight...
We can cook ourselves a nice dinner and eat in peace...or skip the food and fuck until we pass out...
Decisions...
We can cook ourselves a nice dinner and eat in peace...or skip the food and fuck until we pass out...
Decisions...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Harmonious Happenings
We know we are lucky. We have great kids, they go to bed at normal times, (usually) wake up at normal times...and they don't try to drive a wedge between us. Sure, they both yell, "Eeeeeeeeeeew!" when we kiss, but they laugh when they do it. They are happy they are going to be steps. We are SO lucky.
My friend, Big C, also got engaged...months before us. We were catching up with one another the other day, and I asked him if they had set a date yet. He said they hadn't because they were having some problems with the kids getting along; he has 4 kids, she has 2 kids. I know him (obviously...we had sex at least a dozen times), he is a no-nonsense kind of person, so I know he is a no-nonsense kind of parent. She is not...pushover was the kindest word that popped into my head. As a single mom (well, not really anymore, but you understand my viewpoint) I know how tempting it is to be a pushover, to avoid the fights, to cater to your children since you have already destroyed their little worlds with your divorce. But as a practical woman, as a thinking person, I know what a disadvantage that will put my child at someday when she is totally unprepared for the real world...y'know, that place where things don't always go her way. He assured me that THEY are great, their relationship is great, it's just the problems with the kids. I understand having slightly different approaches to parenting, even MY parents did, every human is different...but they are polar fucking opposites. How can they be doing well? Does he mean they still have sex? Do they not fight when none of the kids are around? How do you love someone when you don't respect their approach to parenting?
Then I found something that PSD had written to me more than a year before he proposed:
Back to Big C:
His ex trapped him into marriage in their early 20's by getting pregnant and refusing to even discuss an abortion. She then cemented the deal by having three more kids within ten years. He loves his kids, but he hates his ex-wife; I doubt there was ever a day he did not resent her. I understand why he won't marry the new one until they settle these issues, he can't spend the rest of his life married to another woman he doesn't respect. I get it.
PSD told me that he and his ex were trying to have another baby when they split up. I asked him why, if they were so miserable. He said what so many people say, they thought it would save the marriage. I have never seen one instance where that worked; they always end up divorced, now with an extra kid. Dear reader, if you ever find yourself in that predicament...run.
Kids do not equal family. Family does not always equal children. Kids are simply mouths to feed and responsibility. Family is love. I want to have a baby with him, I think he wants to have one with me, the kids want us to have a baby...but even without that, we ARE a family.
My friend, Big C, also got engaged...months before us. We were catching up with one another the other day, and I asked him if they had set a date yet. He said they hadn't because they were having some problems with the kids getting along; he has 4 kids, she has 2 kids. I know him (obviously...we had sex at least a dozen times), he is a no-nonsense kind of person, so I know he is a no-nonsense kind of parent. She is not...pushover was the kindest word that popped into my head. As a single mom (well, not really anymore, but you understand my viewpoint) I know how tempting it is to be a pushover, to avoid the fights, to cater to your children since you have already destroyed their little worlds with your divorce. But as a practical woman, as a thinking person, I know what a disadvantage that will put my child at someday when she is totally unprepared for the real world...y'know, that place where things don't always go her way. He assured me that THEY are great, their relationship is great, it's just the problems with the kids. I understand having slightly different approaches to parenting, even MY parents did, every human is different...but they are polar fucking opposites. How can they be doing well? Does he mean they still have sex? Do they not fight when none of the kids are around? How do you love someone when you don't respect their approach to parenting?
Then I found something that PSD had written to me more than a year before he proposed:
....I love Fyre because she wants to have a family with me....There was a lot more, but that line got me. By merging our families together, we created a family of our own. Even without having our own child, we have a family. And a family involves mutual love and respect. If his son and I hated one another, we couldn't be a family. If he didn't respect my mothering skills, we couldn't be a family; we would simply be two people living together, fucking one another's brains out, that have some kids.
Back to Big C:
His ex trapped him into marriage in their early 20's by getting pregnant and refusing to even discuss an abortion. She then cemented the deal by having three more kids within ten years. He loves his kids, but he hates his ex-wife; I doubt there was ever a day he did not resent her. I understand why he won't marry the new one until they settle these issues, he can't spend the rest of his life married to another woman he doesn't respect. I get it.
PSD told me that he and his ex were trying to have another baby when they split up. I asked him why, if they were so miserable. He said what so many people say, they thought it would save the marriage. I have never seen one instance where that worked; they always end up divorced, now with an extra kid. Dear reader, if you ever find yourself in that predicament...run.
Kids do not equal family. Family does not always equal children. Kids are simply mouths to feed and responsibility. Family is love. I want to have a baby with him, I think he wants to have one with me, the kids want us to have a baby...but even without that, we ARE a family.
We need some new signage!
I guess the title "(Mis)adventures of being suddenly single and sexual." is no longer appropriate...so I need a new name.
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