Saturday, January 24, 2009

Love and Loss

I still believe in love. I would rather love a thousand times and get it wrong, than live without it in my life. But I am a practical girl; Love does not conquer all. Love barely even fixes things. It usually fucks them up pretty badly.

I have loved and lost and loved again and lost some more. I am strong enough to own my feelings and deal with them and move on. If only other people had as much faith in my ability to deal with my feelings. I don’t ask for much, just honesty and directness. If you don’t feel the same, it’s my problem, not yours.

Recently, I made the very human folly of falling for someone I was involved with. Our relationship was based mainly on a great friendship and mind-blowing sex. But I broke the rules and fell for him. When I asked him how he felt about me, he told me we should both move on. He decided we should be “just friends.” The thing is, we were already great friends…and still are now. I didn’t need our relationship to change, just my expectations of it. I needed to know just so I could own my feelings, deal with them and carry on. Now I have a dear friend who won’t fuck me. I wouldn’t trade this particular friendship for anything in the world, even the mind-blowing sex, but if he had had just a little bit of faith in my ability to compartmentalize my emotions, I wouldn’t have had to give up the rest of it.

So now I wonder, am I being punished for my mistake of falling for someone who warned me he wasn’t looking for a relationship or simply because I have a big mouth and believe in being direct?

1 comment:

shellshokt said...

hmmm, it's suspiciously close to Valentine's Day...maybe he just hates shopping for chicks...

xoxox, keep your chin up hawny!!