Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Girl Talk

Some excerpts from a recent marathon IM conversation with one of my favorite girlies.

Her (1:22:17 PM): so i need some advice from the sex queen
Me (1:23:15 PM): LOL
Her (1:23:21 PM): no seriously
Me (1:23:23 PM): do I get a crown?
Me (1:23:27 PM): a giant cockring?
Her (1:23:28 PM): hahaha! YES!
Her (1:23:36 PM): I will make you a cockring and condom crown

Her (1:24:42 PM): we were having sex, whatever...kinda vanilla
Her (1:24:57 PM): so i stopped him and i was like "uh, what's going on?
why aren't you into this?"
Her (1:25:20 PM): mind you, we've talked plenty of times about what we
like in bed and that both of us like it pretty rough
Her (1:26:01 PM): so he goes - "I just dont want to hurt you and i just
Her (1:26:12 PM): so i did what any self-respecting borderline S&M girl
would do
Her (1:26:15 PM): smacked him
Me (1:26:20 PM): awesome
Her (1:27:38 PM): but we talked last night and a couple things came out
Me (1:27:53 PM): OK
Her (1:27:55 PM): He really likes me and he's afraid he will scare
me off if he goes that one tick too far
Me (1:28:06 PM): that's what safe words are for
Her (1:29:38 PM): we have messed around before and left him bleeding
so i dont know why he thinks im not into it
Me (1:29:57 PM): wait, stop
Me (1:30:04 PM): bleeding?
Me (1:30:14 PM): this man needs shin guards and a cup to have sex
with you

Me (1:32:20 PM): ...if he's a dirty bird
Me (1:32:25 PM): and you are a dirty bird
Me (1:32:27 PM): you're a fit
Me (1:32:36 PM): so he'll be happy and want you to meet his mom anyway
Me (1:32:39 PM): that's love

Me (1:32:57 PM): our conversations should have an anonymous blog
all their own

Her (1:32:59 PM): he's been afraid of taking it to that next level
Her (1:33:02 PM): and i quote
Her (1:33:07 PM): NO SHIT
Her (1:33:09 PM): HAHAHA
Her (1:34:29 PM): "im always afraid of taking a relationship to the
next level because, if i really like a girl and the sex isn't viable, it's
like 'ok-friend zone you go'. But you're different and i love how innocent
and close we are and how our relationship is based on friendship and all
things that make us so amazing together that i dont want the sex to be bad
and overshadow"
Her (1:34:38 PM): I was like "WHAT. THE. FUCK."
Me (1:39:06 PM): I so understand what he means
Me (1:39:23 PM): that's why I never waited past the 3rd date to
fuck someone
Me (1:39:42 PM): so I couldn't get emotionally attached in case the
sex sucked

Her (1:36:12 PM): i kinda wanna do something to make him get the
message that his dick is there for my entertainment
Me (1:40:20 PM): tie his dumb ass up
Me (1:40:50 PM): then, simply get him hard and use him
Me (1:40:54 PM): several times
Her (1:41:01 PM): HAHAHAHA
Me (1:41:11 PM): no guy won't be in love after that
Me (1:41:20 PM): and he'll get the whole "for my amusement" thing

Her (2:01:20 PM): hm, can you think of anything else i could do?
Me (2:02:13 PM): in all seriousness, no
Me (2:02:19 PM): if you have had the talk
Me (2:02:30 PM): all that's left to do is act
Me (2:02:49 PM): and that's the most direct way to get across what
you need to without anyone taking it the wrong way
Me (2:03:01 PM): their egos are more fragile than their sacks
Me (2:03:33 PM): so you have to make sure he's getting something
good (fucked) out of it
Me (2:03:38 PM): or else his ego will be shattered
Me (2:03:43 PM): and he'll retreat more
Her (2:05:00 PM): he needs to understand he doesnt have to treat me
with kid gloves and its ok to smack me around a bit
Her (2:05:06 PM): i need to get him drunk

Her (2:36:38 PM): he had just broken up with someone who wrecked his
heart, so he has a lot of hang ups and can't seem to get out of his own head
Me (2:39:29 PM): so you know this, because you are his friend
Me (2:39:36 PM): it's not some guy you met on
Me (2:39:40 PM): so you have two options
Me (2:39:58 PM): I know you don't want to be the transitional girl
Me (2:40:07 PM): the one he uses to get over her
Me (2:40:11 PM): and he doesn't want you to be
Me (2:40:19 PM): which is why he's being such a wuss
Me (2:40:34 PM): so you have to be understanding and be his friend
Me (2:40:37 PM): and get him through this
Me (2:40:42 PM): without being a doormat
Her (2:40:50 PM): true story
Me (2:40:53 PM): yup
Her (2:40:57 PM): and i do that with restraints
Me (2:41:00 PM): exactly
Her (2:41:02 PM): possibly some smacking
Me (2:41:04 PM): god, I love you

Her (2:45:42 PM): i told him all i want for christmas are his balls and
a riding crop
Me (2:46:13 PM): that's hot
Me (2:46:21 PM): a riding crop with a bell on it

Her (3:30:26 PM): and i see him holding back that last little bit and
it worries me that i may never see that side..which translates in the
Her (3:33:20 PM): i dont think the sex will get fixed until he can let
go completely
Her (3:33:25 PM): just stop fighting it
Her (3:33:32 PM): which will make me less apprehensive
Me (3:33:36 PM): you need to stop overthinking it
Her (3:33:37 PM): which will lead to awesome sex
Me (3:33:39 PM): and just show him
Her (3:33:49 PM):
Me (3:33:59 PM): are you screaming or seeing the light?
Her (3:34:32 PM): screaming
Her (3:34:40 PM): i literally saw my brain and uterus cramp up
Her (3:34:44 PM): simultaneously

Me (3:34:45 PM): Neuroses are contagious, like herpes.
Her (3:36:07 PM): HAHAHA
Me (3:36:28 PM): he acts a little weird
Me (3:36:31 PM): then you wonder why
Me (3:36:35 PM): then you overthink it
Me (3:36:49 PM): then he gets neurotic about what you're thinking
Me (3:36:58 PM): so he starts acting weirder
Me (3:37:07 PM): see where this is going?
Her (3:40:56 PM): i do
Her (3:41:09 PM): as cyclical as chlamydia between lovers
Me (3:41:22 PM): LOL
Me (3:41:25 PM): yes
Her (3:44:52 PM): and here what i was thinking was i need him to fuck
my brains to scrambled eggs so i didnt think that way anymore
Her (3:44:54 PM): my bad
Me (3:45:18 PM): you still need to tie him up and use him like a
human dildo
Me (3:45:26 PM): #totallywinwin
Her (3:47:46 PM): ok good
Me (3:48:28 PM): yeah, no...that was never OUT of the equation
Me (3:48:33 PM): we just moved up to his head for a while
Her (3:48:38 PM): damn
Me (3:48:38 PM): his groin needed a rest

Me (3:49:03 PM): the men that are worth it
Me (3:49:21 PM): actually have a teensy tiny little connection from
their brains to their balls
Me (3:49:46 PM): so we need to romance them mentally as part of the
Me (3:49:53 PM): not just show them our tits
Me (3:50:01 PM): that works for guys we've picked up in bars

Me (3:58:18 PM): PSD's such a goofy bastard
Me (3:58:19 PM): I love it
Me (3:58:29 PM): we're doing it before the party
Me (3:58:32 PM): and I said something
Me (3:58:36 PM): I don't recall what
Me (3:58:44 PM): but it was a phrase from a song
Me (3:58:49 PM): and he just starts singing
Me (3:58:52 PM): while he's fucking me
Me (3:58:56 PM): and not some pop son
Me (3:59:10 PM): it was a line from Defying Gravity, from Wicked
Me (3:59:17 PM): and he was singing the song LOUD
Her (3:59:18 PM): HAHAHAHAHA
Me (3:59:20 PM): and fucking me
Her (3:59:22 PM): that is SO awesome
Me (3:59:25 PM): I love him.

Her (3:59:43 PM): one of the best moments with Mr. Slappy
Her (3:59:55 PM): we were making out on his bed and i was on top about
to go down
Her (4:00:02 PM): and he had his iTunes on Genuis random
Her (4:00:08 PM): guess what comes up
Me (4:00:14 PM): Love in an Elevator?
Her (4:00:17 PM): She's so lucky...
Her (4:00:20 PM): she's a start
Me (4:00:21 PM): hahahahaha
Her (4:00:26 PM): BRITNEY SPEARS
Me (4:00:38 PM): so tacky and yet so cute
Her (4:00:41 PM): he goes...."well, there goes my boner"
Her (4:00:54 PM): i just started laughing
Her (4:00:58 PM): so he tries to change it
Me (4:00:59 PM): I love that it's on his iTunes
Her (4:01:06 PM): he tries to change it
Her (4:01:08 PM): and it goes to
Her (4:01:18 PM): When you wish upon a staaaaaaaaaaaaar
Me (4:01:26 PM): hahahahahahaha
Her (4:01:30 PM): he's like "no no no, oh god, no no no"
Me (4:01:34 PM): does he have the little Mermaid in there too?
Her (4:01:43 PM): i would fall in love if he did
Her (4:22:44 PM): "darling it's better down where it's wetter take it
from me...."
Me (4:22:52 PM): hahahahahaha
Her (4:24:15 PM): go on and kiss that girl
Her (4:24:43 PM): we can go fathoms below!
Her (4:25:45 PM): Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Me (4:25:50 PM): OMG
Me (4:25:57 PM): Alan Menken is a pervert!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Choose Your Weapon Wisely

It's a well-known fact that people use sex as a weapon, especially women. In relationships, they equate sex with control...and they use it as leverage to get what they want and as punishment for not getting their way.

Yes, sex can be about control; sometimes that is half the fun, the physical struggle for control. Yes, sometimes sex can be used as leverage; most people are not going to complain about getting laid for making a small compromise. But NO, sex should NEVER be used as a punishment; sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial and mutually enjoyable.

Did you hear that, ladies?

Let me say it again louder:
If it’s not, you’re doing it wrong.

Mutual, as in both parties agree to it. Forcing sex on anyone is a crime, one that happens far too often and gets punished not often enough.

I will take one minute for a Public Service Announcement:

Rape is a crime, period. If you have been a victim, call the Center Against Rape and Domestic Violence at 800-927-0197.
Withholding sex is a wrong; it may not be a crime, but it certainly has its victims. Now cock your pretty little head to the side a little and give that sweet angelic look as you ask, “Who could it possibly be hurting?” Now I am going to cock my pretty little head to the side and smile a devilish smile as I reply, “You, bitch.”
Let’s start with the basics here. You don’t get into a relationship because you hate someone, right? So at some point, you must have loved this man you are now tormenting, right? A reasonable person could even assume that you must have had a decent sex life if you both settled down into a monogamous relationship, right? Then why the fuck are you tormenting this poor man by withholding sex now?
Do you think the men trolling the internet for pussy have loving, warm, sexually evolved women waiting for them at home?* No, they have dumb frigid women like you waiting for them at home. Perhaps getting a little dirty with your man once in a while would be good for you. Sex isn’t just for men. The more sex you have, the better you feel about yourself, the sexier you start to feel in general…which leads to more sex and a healthier relationship.
In the end, what do you hope to accomplish?
A life without sex? You're only punishing yourself, because he won't live without it forever, he'll just get it somewhere else. And if you regard sex as that much of a punishment that you would rather do without, seek counseling. Something somewhere went horrifically wrong in your programming, and you don't have to live like this.
If you are using sex as leverage, assuming he will never hold up to his end of the bargain, don’t think of it as punishment when he does. Instead, be flattered that he still WANTS to have sex with you. Psyche yourself up for it and you might even enjoy it.
*To be fair, I know it is not only women that play these games. But today I feel like addressing only the women. Maybe tomorrow I will want to address the men that play these games, to remind them that we can find cock anywhere, anytime we want...maybe.