GUARANTEED!

"Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time." ~Tommy Boy

Memory Lane

Just for funsies, I logged onto AFF tonight to update my profile to reflect that (a) I am in a relationship and (b) we might be looking for a girl or another couple to play with.

I forgot just how goddamned pushy the men on there can be! On the one hand, you have to admire their never-ending tenacity. On the other hand, it's repulsive.

Hello there,

I will be staying in Boca Thursday night the 8th of April and I would love to see you -- I travel back and forth to Boca very often...I think we are looking for the same thing and I would love to fill your desires as well as mine.. My personal e mail address is at AOL dot COM and name is BAHBOO1xxx the OO are letters.
I cant wait to hear from you.
Or we can communicate here - your call..
Bye for now,
XXO Anthony
PS: I love your photos -- you are stunning!!!

------ Profile Attached -------

I am a very sexual Italian man that will please you however you like - just let me know what you enjoy and I will make it happen for you. I love undressing you slowly, Havings the lights on during sex so we can each others bodies, Softly kissing your lips / having are tongues sensually intertwined, Orally pleasing each other, Scented candles, Sharing our fantasies, Soflty whispering in your ear and just making you feel good all over your body.... I love to listen to a women's needs and I really enjoy pleasing her the way she likes (just tell me the way you like being touched, kissed, licked and I will make you feel that way)so we both can explode together....

How many women do you think he sent that to? My guess is more than one. What the fuck would he do if more than one woman actually responded and said yes?

Odd and Random Coincidence

Whilst running through my myriad of AFF messages several weeks back, I came across a rather amusing message. The guy just had a dorky sense of humor, even in the first, opening e-mail. We all know how I love that. I wrote back and the e-mail exchange began.

Before long we were chatting online, then on the telephone. I knew he was also a single parent of a young child, living not too far from me. Because of this, I felt more comfortable than usual talking about my daughter. I mentioned something they were learning about in school, and he commented that his son was learning the same thing. Maybe it's a rather standard preschool curriculum, I thought.

Later in the conversation he made another comment that made me wonder about the coincidence. I asked him where his ex-wife lived, assuming his son went to school near there. He told me there was a great preschool down the street. I know, I told him, because that's where I used to live and where my daughter goes to school, also.

Odd and random. Good thing we hit it off when we met in person a few weeks ago.

Although we haven't run into one another at drop-off or pick-up (I am usually running late in the morning and I work later than he does in the evenings), there was a big school event the morning after I spent the night the first time. My legs still a bit weak, I rushed out the door to meet my family and head down there, just to run into him before we even found our seats. Maybe at the next school event, I will dare to sneak a kiss.

In a funk

I don't know if it's aggravation or just a general feeling of malaise, but I don't have the patience for people right now. I am not even attempting to be polite to people on these silly sites. If your profile or message rubs me the wrong way at all, you get banned for life from contacting me.

If this mood lasts much longer, I should have maybe 7 or 8 eligible men left on AFF that are even allowed to contact me. That should make managing my e-mail a little easier.

Lets meet tonight :)

I will arrived last night and leaving tomorrow and looking for fun tonight!!

I am staying in the **** Marriott.and would love to meet a sexy intelligent lady for dinner, cocktails and if we hit it off….wild sexy times in my hotel?

I am a highly educated professional that needs to be discreet...but I still do have a fun wild side to me!!

If interested I can send more info and pics for sure.

Ps… ****4rick at you know what dot cum is easiest for me if you can?

Take care

Really?
Profile says he's married and there is no photo on his profile, nor was one attached to the e-mail. How can I even decide I am not interested without seeing how gross he really is?

My response:

Oh, because intelligent women always meet strangers without even having a conversation first? And discriminating woman meet men without ever seeing a photo of them?
No thanks.
ROFL

Hard up -- Is that a bad thing?

I swear, that is the tagline that prefaces the profile that features this photo:






Does that cock look hard up to you?






Oh, and it gets better...he features three other limp cock photos taken outdoors.

What's that?

You want to see?


Evidently, he's a tree lover.
I love an environmentally conscious man.

An AFF Success!

Amid the losers and trash, you occasionally find a good one.

I had received a message on AFF from a guy who lives elsewhere in the state, but travels down here. We exchanged a few messages and then switched to instant messenger. I liked chatting with him, he was (as my friends and I say) "one of us." He was in my area for the holiday, free for the evening and leaving the next day. Did I want to meet him that night for a drink? Yeah, I think I did.

He had plans earlier in the day, we chatted on the phone, texted back and forth and then I set out to meet him. We met at one of my favorite bars, had a few drinks. Did I mention he was cute? Very cute. Since we were in the downtown area, we decided to go for a walk around town. Did I mention he was a good kisser? Very good kisser. Lots of little alleys between the buildings to duck into and kiss and grope, so we did. Hey look, a parking garage. A reasonably deserted one at that. So we took the elevator to the completely deserted roof. It was a gorgeous night, cool and breezy. More kissing and groping...and what do you know?

AFF is a hook-up site, after all.

A truly smooth approach

So just last night this guy wrote to me on AFF. He mentioned IMMEDIATELY that he lives alone. We chatted on IM for a few minutes and he mentioned it again, then invited me to go out tonight. I declined. In addition to having my child this weekend, he was too pushy too soon.

This morning he invited me out for tonight again, and I reiterated my child excuse to him. Keep in mind that I started speaking to this guy less than 12 hours ago. I get this via IM:

Him: hey...I am off Mon..Tue....Wed and I have a new comp
Him: Could you take some new pics for me here please?
Me: take pics?
Me: huh?
Him: yes...on my laptop....a few in my uniform...half naked....lol
Him: some in regular clothes, half naked
Him: but none naked...k?
Me: I didn't ask for any
Me: did I?
Him: LOL....Sweetie....I need some new pis because I don't have any right now due to a new laptop. I need some new pics to update my profile pics
Me: I am sooooo not following
Me: I didn't ask for pics
Me: you want me to photograph you?
Me: I work and I have a child
Him: Umm...real easy....use my laptop's camera and take some pics for me
Him: yessss!!!
Me: that camera sucks
Him: u got it....
Him: it will only take 30 mins sweetie...geeezzz
Me: I am not coming to your house
Me: I don't know you
Him: u have a better camera?
Me: I do
Me: but it's being repaired
Me: and I would not come to your house anyway
Him: I am a nice guy...an Army Recruiter
Him: I just want u to take pics??? whats wrong
Me: uh huh
Me: very smooth technique
Me: try the self-timer
Him: sounds to me like u have been hanging out with the wrong kind of guy
Me: not at all
Him: maybe we will have sex but not when u take pics silly
Me: I avoid guys who try to get me to
Me: their houses first thing
Me: good luck your search
Him: well....let me help you avoid me....BYE!
Him: I just wanted to be friends....take some pics of me.....damn,,,,,

And this is where it ended, such a tragically brief love affair. *gagging*

I have been a bad blogger and some other random thoughts

I am now averaging a post a month...rather than the non-stop babble of the first couple of months.
I am writing a lot, but so much of it is so personal, I'd rather not bring you guys down.

That being said, I have started prowling AFF again. It's an amusing diversion with an occasional payoff, so why not? I am still seeing Clothespin, but our schedules are so busy and somehow completely opposite, that we don't get to actually see one another much. While I wish we could see one another more, I understand that life gets in the way of pleasure. If seeing one another only once a month is how it has to be, I am willing to settle for it to keep him in my life for now.

Ready to barf from the sweet sentiments yet? Let me move onto the weirdo bashing.

This one guy contacted me on AFF (where else?) and his profile indicated that his "male endowment" was "Long/Thick." If you are going to lie, do not post a picture of your penis! I cannot stress this enough, men! Anyone who knows my "rule of thumb" will understand when I say this guy meets the requirement. Not that there's anything wrong with a less than average penis, if you know what you're doing with it...but don't lie! You are setting everyone up for disappointment. Automatic delete!

Then there was the guy with no patience. Three e-mails within two days because he was tired of waiting for a reply? My auto-reply even says, "Life gets in the way. Patience is a virtue, I'll read them when I have time." Hey Fuckface, I have a life outside of trolling for cock online. Automatic delete!

I did make some new friends, hopefully some new stories to share soon.

Tonight's Winner o' the Day

Just for funsies, I logged onto AFF tonight.

dabi***69
43 year old Man
Port Saint Lucie, Florida

we talked on th ephone a couple of weeks ago.. we met on another site.. rich from port st lucie... lets meet at a hotel and just have sex?? not trying to be forward... just want you? sorry if i offended you... forgive me!!

Yeah...no. I rarely, if ever, talk to people on the phone and I would remember a guy that old because it's out of the norm for me anyway.

My reply: We met on another site? Really? Which one?

I can't wait to hear this answer.

His reply: yes back in june... we talked 2 times i think.. i worked 2nd shift at the time...i cant remember the site name you live in jupiter though..

Riiiiiiiight.

My reply: Except that I live no where near Jupiter (as it says on my profile) and I didn't join any sites until July. Nice try, though...LOL

Loser with a big ole Capital L.

Even I get burned out...

I had to take a break from AFF. Since I moved into my new place, I don't have time to keep up with the insane influx of messages. I have a real life...I go out, I have fun, I date. Plus, I have met more than enough people to keep my dance card filled for a while.

I am going through a stage, and I promise it's just a stage, where it is more annoying to deal with the idiots than to use them a fodder for making fun of to my friends. There are some great people available, and I am pretty sure I have met at least 75% of what is even date-able out there. My good luck won't last forever, I don't lead a charmed life. I will be back to trolling through the scummy waters of AFF someday again.

Speaking of filled dance cards, I have been such a busy little beaver (*giggle*) lately that I think I have even burned myself out on sex. Alright, I was just kidding about that. Did I scare you?

I have always said, when it rains, it pours. Either no one wants you, or everyone wants you. There is no middle ground. If I have to choose, I will just get my umbrella out and make the best of it.

One of my fave photos so far

There are so many things to make fun of here, where shall I begin?
The accompanying e-mail was kind of boring with plenty of spelling errors, which I found rather ridiculous for someone who claims to be pursuing a Masters degree, but let's stick to the photo.

Have you ever bought a roast that was tied with a string from the butcher? That's what I think about when I look at this.

Then there are the random, loose iPod and power cables; are they that difficult to move out of the way?

What these men don't seem to understand is this, this initial contact needs to impress us if you want to get any further. Nothing about this mess of a scene screams "Hop on board!" to me.

What the fuck did he say?

This is a transcript cut and pasted directly from Yahoo Messenger. The only thing I did was take out our screen names. The improperly capitalized name for him is how he has himself listed. How can respect yourself if you can't even capitalize your own name?

This guy had written to me on AFF and rather than just delete him (too dumb and not circumcised) I was polite and sent a "Sorry, looking for someone local." reply. He then got my Yahoo screen name from my profile (time to disable that nifty little feature) and wrote to me.

jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:22 PM): hey
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:26 PM): hey
jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:31 PM): whats up?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:38 PM): do u know who this is lol?
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:43 PM): yes
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:48 PM): the cute guy from Miami
jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:50 PM): oh ok lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:56 PM): who I think is too far but you disagree
jose m (9/3/2008 7:16:26 PM): hey why do u say that i live far like if i live hrs away and then u said it wouldnt work out if not like ur looking for a husband or ur gonan get married anytime soon lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:16:41 PM): LOL
Me (9/3/2008 7:16:47 PM): no, I am not even divorced yet
jose m (9/3/2008 7:16:50 PM): im only 30 mins away thats not far maybe naples
jose m (9/3/2008 7:17:00 PM): so im not the jealous type lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:17:04 PM): sharing is caring lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:17:11 PM):
Me (9/3/2008 7:17:31 PM): LOL
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:02 PM):
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:16 PM): so why do u think im live far when im only 30 mins away lol?
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:31 PM): because I know how this already will work
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:38 PM): I am a single mom with not much time
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:43 PM): been doing this a while now
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:44 PM): LOL
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:48 PM): n how is that gonan work ?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:54 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:59 PM): huh?
Me (9/3/2008 7:19:01 PM): gonan?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:19:30 PM): i meant ho is that gonna work?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:19:33 PM): how
jose m (9/3/2008 7:19:35 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:19:38 PM): ahhhhh
jose m (9/3/2008 7:20:24 PM): nevermind ur lost lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:20:59 PM): not at all
jose m (9/3/2008 7:22:32 PM): yes u r lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:22:38 PM): so have u met anyone from aff?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:22:45 PM): by the way im jose n ur name is?
Me (9/3/2008 7:24:21 PM): [wouldn't you love to know]
Me (9/3/2008 7:24:23 PM): yes I have
Me (9/3/2008 7:24:28 PM): several people
jose m (9/3/2008 7:24:53 PM): lucky u
jose m (9/3/2008 7:24:54 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:25:02 PM): I have met some very cool people
jose m (9/3/2008 7:27:24 PM): i met some fake ass ppl lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:27:40 PM): I have a really stringent screening process
Me (9/3/2008 7:27:41 PM): LOL
Me (9/3/2008 7:27:47 PM): I only meet a handful of people
jose m (9/3/2008 7:28:23 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:28:46 PM): I hooked up with a guy the other night
Me (9/3/2008 7:28:57 PM): who had done his PhD research at the Kiney Institute
jose m (9/3/2008 7:29:02 PM): can u hooked up with me lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:29:02 PM): so interesting
Me (9/3/2008 7:29:20 PM): Kinsey Institute, sorry
Me (9/3/2008 7:29:23 PM): spelled it wrong
jose m (9/3/2008 7:30:06 PM): its ok this is not an english class lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:30:19 PM): we r not in school here lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:30:46 PM): I know, but how you present yourself is how people see you
jose m (9/3/2008 7:32:46 PM): thats not true..
jose m (9/3/2008 7:35:12 PM): idont have to open my mouth and ppl right away this im this stuck guy that just go out with girls with six pack
jose m (9/3/2008 7:35:55 PM): aand also think that im full of my self cause of my pics which is not true
jose m (9/3/2008 7:36:15 PM): i love my body andi m prove of it and everybody should feel the same way
jose m (9/3/2008 7:36:47 PM): just cause u dont have a six pack or ur nto shape doesnt mean ur not sexy pr hot or w.e u wantr to call it
Me (9/3/2008 7:40:24 PM): right
Me (9/3/2008 7:40:38 PM): but by taking care of your body, you show people you are proud of it
Me (9/3/2008 7:41:05 PM): the same way I am with my mind
Me (9/3/2008 7:41:51 PM): the being pretty I cannot help
Me (9/3/2008 7:41:58 PM): just like being cute for you
Me (9/3/2008 7:42:27 PM): but I choose to present myself as an educated, well-spoken person because I want to be thought of as more than pretty
Me (9/3/2008 7:42:48 PM): even with hook-ups, I need to be respected for my mind, too...it's my bonus quality

This is when he just stopped responding to me.
Then he came back…

jose m (9/3/2008 8:02:12 PM): lol
jose m (9/3/2008 8:02:14 PM): i see
jose m (9/3/2008 8:02:19 PM): so how long were u married for?
Me (9/3/2008 8:02:50 PM): almost 9 years, been together for 16 ½

It’s been 10 minutes. I am going to assume the math stumped him and post this now.

Dear lord, it's an epidemic!

Limp cocks everywhere!

As if to prove my point...

I click to post my last post, go to check my messages and see this on the home page.

This is not going to impress anyone. Don't post it!

Post your smiling face as your main picture...not your limp cock!!!

Received: hey (Sep 2, 2008 5:43 PM EDT)

Profile for big****mianto ensure all members maximize eachother on here and interaction by consistenly providing excellent service to eachother,NO GAY MEN AT ALL,lady only Adult FriendFinder [because I totally buy that the folks at AFF wrote this disclaimer and chose to post it only on his profile]
My Ideal Person:
real people,who in too real things,NO GAY MEN,lady only Adult FriendFinder

Tell one of your favorite sexual fantasies. Don't hold back!:
my favorite fantasies is two women all over me, yes two, and
i want to fuck the two ,
Birthdate: August 31, 1962
(46 years old)

am looking for you 2, am in fla alot and i dont do clubs or dont pick up women out of bars, so if we chat on here become friends i will see you want i get over there, i do live alone no wife, so we can really get to know eachother

I honestly don't know what to say about this one at all. He has two profile pictures, but I will spare you. One is so dark and shot from so far away, all you can see is the flash reflecting in his eyes. It could be a raccoon in a shirt, honestly. The other is a blurry, unattractive penis shot. Nothing turns a girl on like an unsolicited cock pic, especially when it's not even a nice cock.

Bearly legle [sp]

Birthdate: December 14, 1989
(18 years old)

hey thought u were looking good. saw u were looking for a fuck buddy would love to be that guy. we could have alotta fun. i am willing to drive. i kno i am young but doesnt mean we cant have fun. i will send u some pics i think u will like if u reply. so let me kno if u r interested

Education: Prefer not to say

Really? I am surprised he's not bragging about his degree in English.

The Wonderful World of AFF

I begin asking friends where I can go to meet some fun people and more than one dear friend mentions Adult Friend Finder to me. Adult Friend Finder claims right on the front page "Get laid tonight." Interesting site. I join.

They offer a wonderful tool to help you write your profile, if you don't know what to say about yourself. Their questionnaire is very thorough (more about that soon) and it's quite easy to make a decent looking profile. It's idiot-proof, which poses a problem with idiots comprising a large percentage of the people writing you. I'll be happy to share some examples with you, don't worry.

Girls, prepare to be inundated with requests.

I have settled on a screening process that works very well for me:

1. Age: Too old, you get deleted...too young, you get deleted. I admit that more than once I have been bored enough to check a profile of someone who falls outside my accepted age range and ended up replying to them, but it's rare.
2. Marital status: If you're married, you get deleted.
3. Circumcision: Whomever decided to make this a profile question is a fucking genius. My thought process about this is: why would I bother to speak to someone who is not circumcised on the off chance I end up really liking them...knowing I would never touch their penis? If your answer is no, or if you decline to answer, you get deleted.
4. Spelling, grammar, etc.: Before I even read the e-mail they sent, I check the profile for the glaring signs of illiteracy and stupidity. For instance, and in this case I didn't have to view the profile (although I did for funsies), because his screen name said it all: laitnlover3# (I debated posting his entire screen name, but decided to leave off the last digit for anonymity). Seriously, if you cannot even spell your own screen name, how much faith can I have in your other abilities, like the ability to find the right hole?
5. Messages: Finally, we've eliminated a lot of potential candidates, thank goodness. Now I move onto the actual messages. Plenty of people seem to have actually read my profile, nice. Oh look, this guy is looking for a soulmate, try Match.com, dude. Some of them send out generic form letters that would apply to any woman anywhere, F for effort. Then some of them are just...well, take a look:
   

   

   Hello, let me eat your pussy. you won't regreat it. what do you think?

   
   
   Well, the first thing I think is that you should learn to spell check. And what's with the Greyhound self-portrait?

I guess I should share my profile at this point, so you understand how clear I am being up front about what I want:

I've always been good at turning nothing into something great. When I'm out driving I like to blow down the freeway as fast as I can...it's how I live my whole life. I get along best with people who can talk about something besides sex or sports. When I go out, I go with the flow, and end up where I end up. When I'm at home alone, I'm calling up friends who want to cure their boredom with me. I look forward to whatever life brings. I can be whatever you need me to be, as long as we're both comfortable with it and both having fun with it.
I'm not changing my life, I'm just trying to make it more interesting.

If you contact me bear in mind that I'm just looking for a fuck buddy, not a soulmate.
My Ideal Person:
If you are married, don't waste either of our time...I am NOT interested.
I am not looking for random sex with strangers, a fuck buddy is a friend you fuck.

I will admit that there are a large number of intelligent, funny and good-looking people on this site. I have met some, it's just a question of properly screening them.