Freak Flag

Why do people cheat?

For sex...yes.
For affection...yes.
To feel desired...yes.

Why do people need those things outside the confines of their relationship?
My guess would be that the relationship is lacking them somehow.

It's not a blame thing...it's not an exoneration thing...it's just a fact.
Some people are just not meant to be together.

I cheated for a number of reasons. My ex was the first man I ever let my Freak Flag fly with, but once we got married it was all "You're my wife now, I can't do that with you." No one likes a limp Freak Flag drooping in the wind, a Freak Flag is meant to fly.

Affair sex is free and exciting. You can do whatever you want, because who's going to judge you? The other unhappily married person in the room who is currently balls deep inside you? Probably not because (a) that would be slightly hypocritical and (b) then you probably won't be rushing to meet him at the local La Quinta Inn on your lunch break for much longer.

But affairs are complicated, and unless you end up in a long-term extramarital relationship, the sex is never fulfilling enough. It's like a drug - you're always chasing that high.

What's the point, Fyre?

I'm getting there...chill baby baby chill...

Some people are never meant to be monogamous, this is true. They will never be happy in a traditional monogamous relationship, they will always cheat...which goes back to my earlier point about some people not meaning to be together.

But some of us are great in the right relationship.
Some of us thrive in the right relationship.

My Freak Flag has found a permanent home and he planted his right next to mine. I am not lacking affection and sex. I am having affair sex in my marriage, which is the best possible combination for me.

LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY, BABY!

Day 6: Sex Facts

In honor of Day 6, here are 6 facts about sex:

• Spouses may have similar DNA 
• Watching rom-coms may help strengthen marriage 
• Women can make their voice "sexier," but men can't 
• You’re less likely to get grossed out when aroused (thank goodness) 
• Love is good for your bones (I know one "bone" it's great for!) 
• Old people do it, too (oh GAWD, am I considered old now???) 

Read more here.

30 Days of Intimacy Recap (with lots of GIFs)

We began August 1 and had a great run until I got sick...then he went away for business and it was all over...

So we began again this week.

And overall it's been a great week.

Because sex makes people happy.

And we are both happier than usual. So I asked him if he thinks this has been a positive experience...

And then I was all...

And so now I need to go take a shower.

Day 3: Why I Smile

I climb into bed, exhausted and ready to play Angry Birds until I pass out...but Mr. Swinging Dick has a different plan for me.

*cue the sex music on Pandora*
(yes, we have a sex music channel on Pandora)

And I'm all:

Starting Over: Day 2

My challenge, my rules.

Day 2 was full of flirty instant messages:
Him: What's the plan for tonight?
Me: More of the sex, please.

I know how to talk dirty to him.

You know how when you roll into bed at the end of the night and you are so tired you cannot even think about anything at all but you still kiss your lover and you both smile and next thing you know you're both naked and there's lube everywhere and you're having sex? That.

Day 6 through a fucking (non-fucking) eternity...

Day 6: still sick
Day 7: still sick
Day 8: still sick and irrationally angry about something - I swear it was the fever speaking
Day 9: fuck if I even remember if we did anything...
Day 10: he left for NYC

He comes back from NYC, we get one good rogerin' in and I get my period.

*throws hands in air*
I GIVE UP!

Fast forward to yesterday, which would have been day 17 if he had not gone away (circumstances out of my control!) but which we shall now and forever more refer to as Day One Redo...

At the risk of sounding hopelessly sappy...every time we finally do it after even just a few days of not doing it, it's so good. I don't know if my vajayjay is just so happy to see him or what, but it's OMGasmic. And that was last night...

This morning he gets up for work, I continue to lie in the bed like the lazy ass that I am. I guess my nightgown had accidentally (totally on purpose) ridden up, exposing my derrière...which he usually cannot resist. Usually/always - we are spending forever together, does it matter?

He comes back into the room, rolls me over gently and grabs the lube. It's been awhile - like before I got pregnant - so it's a little snug. He fumbles a bit and I suggest a different angle. He replies with a grunt and more lube.

"I don't think more lube is the answer. It's a question of angle."

I get another grunt and more lube...but he does switch the angle...AND WE HAVE ACHIEVED PENETRATION!

Every one of my orifices is greedy, I admit it. Once it's in, I want it all the way in.

"Deeper. HARDER!" I urge.

I always orgasm hard and fast from anal sex, so it never lasts long, and today was no exception...but any Monday morning that begins with sex is a winner. A Monday morning that begins with anal sex is special.

Why does anal sex lead to more orgasms? I Googled that for you, dear readers:
Why Do Women Who Have Anal Sex Get More Orgasms?

Bonus content: I will be terrified to fart for the rest of the day.

Day 5: Fucking germs

By the time he got home last night, I had been infected by whatever my sick kids brought home.

I wasn't going to risk his health by making out with him, so we cuddled and talked about our day. It was nice and we got our intimacy in, just us shutting out the world for a little while...I just wish we hadn't wasted National Underwear Day like that...

10 Habits of SMUG happy couples...

I read this article:
The 10 Habits Of Happy Couples As Told By A Psychiatrist. #7 Is A Must Do For Everyone.

And OhEmGee you guys, we do all of them.

Obviously they are no-brainers...but here's the thing, my ex and I spent 17 years failing at 3-8. He was so bad about the mistrust thing, when I would tell him I loved him, he would ask why I was saying it. 

And let's not even talk about his awesome ability to always walk a quarter mile ahead of me.
Always.
Even on date night.

But back to now...

#1 is so vital to a healthy sex life: Go to bed at the same time.

Think about it. 

He is downstairs watching The Walking Dead and you are upstairs reading Gone Girl...there is no chance of spontaneous sex happening. 

But if you are both upstairs watching TV or reading together, he may accidentally brush your leg with his foot or put an arm around you...and you're halfway to spontaneous sex (at least I am). As I am fond of saying: It's not easy being so easy.

Being in a mutually satisfying relationship takes some work, but this list is a great start. Anything else you guys would add?

Day 4: Against all odds

Last night, night four, seemed hopeless. I was home with one sick kid all day...then the daycare called because the baby had a fever. I fed everyone soup, bathed everyone and finally fell into bed...exhausted.

We started kissing.

Me: How will we know if it's been fifteen minutes?
Him: I think it's more important we set the time aside for intimacy then time ourselves, right?
Me: I guess.
Him: *witty retort*
Me: Stop it, or I am just going to end up laughing for fifteen minutes.
Him: Isn't laughing together in bed intimate?
Me: I guess so...
Him: *nibbles my ear*
Me: Uunnnnggghhhhhhhmmmmm... (totally paraphrasing here)

It's a good thing I had put on the fresh, lacy panties before I came to bed...just in case.

I think we are really staring to get the point of this challenge. By setting aside a few minutes for ourselves and our relationship every day, we are spending more time than ever laughing together...and all the fucking is a nice bonus.

Day 3: Two-fer

Now this is getting good!

Typical Sunday morning, lazing around the room. PSD was in the bathroom doing his thing. I was laying facedown on the bed in my underwear.

I am sure you can see where this is going, although I did not until it was buried inside me....

Anyone who tells you that kids are the end of your sex life is not doing it correctly. Our baby never sleeps through the night, she wakes up by 7 every morning and we still manage (outside of this challenge) to do it at least twice a week most weeks. Just make a concerted effort to not let having a baby be an obstacle, and it won't be. Each Baby Einstein video is 30 minutes long...that is half an hour to have some fun.

So, although a quickie from behind technically counts as our intimate act of the day, once we climbed into bed his hands started wandering.

Me: What are you doing?
Him: Pleasuring my woman.
Me: I thought you were too tired.
Him: I am, I am actually asleep...except for my hand.
Me: But you don't have the energy to finish the job.
Him: My hand does. do you want it to stop?
Me: Uhhhhh...no?
*some shifting around*
Me: Your other hand is awake now.
*heavy breathing*
Me: You know what would be even better? If your cock was awake.
Him: Maybe it could be...
*insert insertion here*

And there you have it: TWO-FER!
Sometimes all you have to do is ask!

Day 2: We're troopers

Last night was amazing, as I may have mentioned. After a reasonable night's sleep (we do have a baby) we woke up bright and early to do a 5K. Between the rain and the interminable steam bath that followed it, we were spent by the time we got home. Sweaty and spent.

After a shower, we put the baby down for a long nap and did what any people would do in our situation: got ridiculously stoned and fucked.

I honesty believe that if every person in the world experienced stoned sex at least once, there would be almost no backlash against marijuana.

Even kissing is a transcendental experience when you're stoned...and kissing the right person. Plus, best nap ever afterward.

This is going to be a fun month.

Day 1: Seduction

Someone broke out all the stops.

I came out of the bathroom to music playing and a naked husband.

*insert va-va-voom music*

We always have good sex. It's not always mind-blowing but it's always good. If you think "Well duh, all sex is good," consider yourself lucky that you have never had not-good sex.

Well tonight was mind-blowing sex. Totally amazing, mind-blowing, I'm so glad we instigated this challenge sex.

Onward to the next 29 days!

Wahhhh!

Yeah yeah, I know.

So we initiated our own challenge (we never get sick of these): Thirty Days of Intimacy

We are going to set aside at least 15 minutes a day for an intimate act; the goal is intercourse, of course of course...but we understand some days we may to settle for making out or an old-fashioned hand job.

It begins tonight.

Is it me or my swinging dick?

Me: I have to work tomorrow
Me: but I will probably leave early
Me: we can clean the house up
Me: and fuck?
PSD: someone is in need of my swinging dick.
Me: maybe
Me: maybe I just need to feel close to you more than I need your cock
Me: you'll never know
Me: I am an enigma
PSD: either way you get what you want.
Me: I know

Advil PM Sex

Sounds sexy, right?
We go to bed early, on a night we have no responsibility (kids). Then we each pop an Advil PM and start going at it. While we're fucking, the Advil PM kicks in, but we're too worked up to notice. Then, after we both cum, we fall into the most peaceful post-orgasm Advil PM induced coma.
Best sleep ever.

Can you have ladylike orgasms?

What is "ladylike behavior?"

I burp...I fart...I talk with food in my mouth.
Some people are offended by this.
To each his or her own.

But I also speak my mind...I don't take shit from bullies...I stand up for what I believe in.
Some people are really offended by this.
Fuck them.

Perhaps being "ladylike" was held in high regard once upon a time, but so was owning slaves.
Women have come a long way since then: we can vote, we can head huge corporations...in some states we can even marry other women.

Women support themselves now.
Women support their children now.
Women even support their men now.

We have achieved equal rights in nearly every arena.
But are we still held to a double standard sexually?

I know there is an entire subculture of people who have issues with sexual relations outside marriage and for purposes other than procreation, I am not referring to them. I am talking about the rest of us: Sexually Healthy America.

Men still like to play with the whores (who doesn't?), but they don't only marry the angels.

If men only married virgins these days, there would be slim pickings out there. Science has proven that women are sexually dynamic creatures, rather than non-reactive, empty vessels designed just to carry fetuses...and we have embraced that notion. In a world that regards simplicity as a virtue, a woman who comes with a verbal instruction manual ("Touch it like this.") is a huge boon. One hundred years ago, we were still fighting for equal rights as citizens; nowadays studies are conducted at major universities, all over the world, just to find out more about our sexual needs. The word "orgasm" is no longer a dirty word, it's the golden ring prize in the sexual arena. Women don't have to suppress their sexuality to be worthy of love, sometimes they are loved for their sexuality. Without embracing our burning desire for sex, my darling husband and I never would have met. That doesn't cheapen our relationship, that honesty makes it stronger.

Can you even imagine living as people did, fifty years ago, unable to speak openly about what you enjoy in bed? Can you imagine saying "no" to someone you really like when you want to say "yes" with every fiber of your being...because of social norms? Can you imagine marrying someone before you have found out if you are even sexually compatible, because "ladies don't do that?"

Is ladylike behavior in danger of extinction or shall we redefine it to fit today's woman? Perhaps today's lady is someone who can conduct herself with dignity in public but is a master of dirty talk in private. Perhaps today's lady is someone full of honor and integrity in the workplace but is a vixen with a kinky streak in the bedroom.

How are you redefining ladylike behavior?

Mary Roach: 10 things you didn't know about orgasm

1.) You were having sex in the womb
2.) You don’t need genitals
3.) You can have them when you are dead
4.) Orgasm can cause bad breath
5.) Orgasm can cure hiccups
6.) Doctors once prescribed orgasm for fertility
7.) Pig farmers still prescribed orgasm for fertility
8.) Female animals are more fun than you think
9.) Studying human orgasm in a lab is not easy
10.) But it sure is entertaining

One of my favorite quotes from the whole book:
"Cheese crumbs spread before a pair of copulating rats will distract the female, but not the male."

My Horizontal Honeymoon and Another Tale of Woe...

Ahhh, my "Horizontal Honeymoon"...but it's not what you think.

We enjoyed the first three days of our honeymoon.  Drinking, fucking, seeing some amazing sights...and then that night, I fell and hit the base of my spine. We found out weeks later that I herniated three disks, tearing one of them.

All that planning!
Our dream trip!

I woke up later that night in such excruciating pain, I ended up blacking out twice before I could wake PSD and let him know what was going on. He was amazing, feeding me Advil and taking me swimming (a lot), being patient with my intolerable (at times) pain and still fucking me (gently) whenever we could. I didn't think it was possible to love him more, but I do!

And now my tale of woe:

The last day of May, my best friend killed himself.
He was my first boyfriend, the first one to feel me up, the first one to put his finger "in there" and after we got past the messy high school break-up, we stayed the best of friends. He was a sick, twisted, brilliant and sweet man...who remembers my vagina fondly.

BFF: You know, sometimes I know I love you as my oldest and dearest friend but sometimes I remember that you are responsible for most the grief and stress in my life!
ME: what did I do now?
BFF: If I had never found the biggest source of happiness and amusement in YOUR pants, I would have been much better off. It's as if you were the one who got me started on crack...so to speak!
BFF: If only you were a prude and not so lusty and good, my life might have been totally different!
BF: So just so u know, every time [girlfriend] drives me crazy with her shit, in the back of my head, I know it's your fault!
BFF: I probably could've gone well into my twenties content to pet the soft fuzz on top. But, hoo boy, once I found out how fun it is INSIDE, my life was totally wrecked and I blame you.
BFF: If you and PSD don't end up getting married, I reserve the right to turn your crotch into a museum!

BFF: You have great nipples!
ME: I know
BFF: Some of the first nipples I ever loved!
ME: they are the first ones you ever loved
BFF: Nope. Mom. But in a different way!
ME: LOL
BFF: If we voted on nipples, they'd probably be Most Popular Nipples of Class of 87-91
ME: excellent
BFF: Don't pout. Your vagina would've probably won Most Talented!
BFF: I think it was actually the unofficial mascot of Spring Break 89!

ME: Three words: Cat In Heat
ME: I am mid-cycle, during a full moon...and I was bored over the weekend, so I started reading some erotica short stories.
BFF: Is this the cat again?
ME: he can't read, nitwit
BFF: Ohh...so u mean you. And?
ME: just mentioning it
ME: I am SO SORE from the weekend, and still I want more
BFF: You need me to swing by there for a lunchtime threesome?
ME: you are so giving, but no...I just ate
BFF: So you just need a camerman for tonight?
ME: Hahahahaha
ME: we have a tripod
ME: you want to be my bestie, you have to listen to my exploits
BFF: Ahhh...so you just need audio...and quit calling him tripod. It'll only go to his head.
BFF: Just give me a heads up so I can shower and secure the car.
BFF: I'm a team player. I'm here to help.
ME: I know
BFF: I can throw PSD a Gatorade and a towel and sub in in case he needs a breather. I'll start stretching now.
ME: Awesome
BFF: Leave the door open. I'll be there around 6. I won't even wear pants.
BFF: I'll just show up with a condom and some lube.
BFF: I'm talking dirty Rueben love.
ME: like the sandwich?
BFF: Yes.
ME: so you're going to smear sauerkraut on me?
BFF: And melted Swiss.
ME: I don't like Swiss
BFF: Havarti?
ME: yes
BFF: Cool.
BFF: Sauerkraut, Havarti, condoms, lube...see u at 6.

So, two weeks before I left on my honeymoon, I had to board a plane to my best friend's funeral. I've lost my first love, a man whose love I never doubted and my soulmate.

So far, July has been a better month.

I'd rather be ravished than raptured!

There, I said it.
And since I am an admitted sinner...and prone to saying "Fuck" a lot...I probably don't have to worry.

I just don't get it.  What is the fun of ascending to heaven, naked, with a bunch of do-gooders?  It's not like there's going to be an orgy when you get there.  At best, you may get to have chaste sex, in the missionary position, with one person for the rest of eternity.  I'd rather suffer down here for the next five months, enjoying my life, until the end of the world, thankyouverymuch.

If you read this blog, chances are you would never be considered for Rapturing because you're not worthy.  Don't believe me?  Check this awesome flowchart I found (click it for the full sized version).

To those of you who will be ascending to heaven at some point today (I'm confused how it works with the time zones...did the people in New Zealand already go?), I bid you adieu.  In all honesty, I won't miss you, because I doubt we socialized much.  I would like to thank you in advance for ensuring those Tea Party wackos won't be running the country in 2012; even though the candidates won't be ascending, they will lose most of their voting base.  To those of you who do think you're worthy and will kill yourselves when you find out you are not...well, I won't miss you either because you're fucking nuts.  

To the rest of us, the non-believers and the believers who are just sinners, stay warped.  I have seen some great ideas for Rapture themed practical jokes:

• Go into hiding, refusing to answer your doorbell, phone, email, texts, etc...
• Using blowup dolls and helium, simulate people ascending to heaven...
• Take unwanted clothes and pairs of shoes and arrange them in piles outside pious neighbors' homes (bonus points for children's clothes and shoes)...

You know what else really chafes my ass?

Again, I am working under an assumption here.

My assumption is this: we cheat because we are lacking something, some basic need is not being met and we seek that fulfillment elsewhere.  We can agree on this, correct?

I have seen this scenario time and time again, and it confounds the ever-living fuck out of me.  You're a married person lacking passion in your relationship...you meet a free-spirited singleton...an affair that defines to word passion ensues...you fall in love...singleton falls in love...you then begin trying to de-spirit the free-spirit to make them conform a little more to your world...WHAT?  Why, for fuck's sake, would you attempt to change them into the very thing you were trying to escape in the first place?

My ex had a girlfriend before we split up.  She was a few years younger than us, never married, no kids and anti-responsibility.  Her wardrobe varied from Old Navy chic to thrift store bohemian and she relished being a beach bum.  When I met her, I laughed at my ex-husband and said, "You fucking idiot...she's me, before you ruined me."

During our years together, he made it his mission to "toughen me up" by removing my rose-tinted glasses and showing me the bitter side of life (he never succeeded).  His other mission was to class me up; he hated the bohemian styles I favored in college, and constantly bought me new clothes.  I never even owned a designer purse before he bought me one, and he bought me several.  Amusingly enough, once we were married, his biggest complaint was that I was a "money-grubbing" bitch with expensive taste.

Much to my delight, he bought her a Coach purse a few months later.

Oh, self-fulfilling prophecies...how I love you so.