Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What really happened to my appendix

In the beginning, I was pretty specific and strict about my age requirements. We all know I have dropped that little piece of neurotic baggage now. I have an ad on ALT.com and they filter e-mails from people who do not quite fit your specifications. Every now and then I check in there to see if I missed anything interesting...or funny. There was an email in there from a male who is 44 years old. Without reading the profile, I simply sent the "Thanks, looking for someone younger" automated reply.

I soon got a reply back asking how much younger. I didn't have a good answer since my rules are quite flexible (*cough* 23) and I have a tendency to break them more than anyone else I know. Double click, check his profile. Turns out he is a co-Dom with a female and they always work together. Now this is interesting.

I wrote back to him and soon we began chatting via IM. He was very reassuring about how long he has been doing this, about respecting certain limits (still suffering from Husband-Trying-to-Kill-Me Traumatic Syndrome) and allowing my friends in the lifestyle to contact him or check out his history. He had me chat with her, both on the phone and online and we quickly became very friendly.

Fast forward: we meet for a play-date and they are very good at what they do. They were just as they portrayed themselves, plus they were safe and I enjoyed their company.

Fast forward a couple more days: I am out to dinner with my sister and we are having a good time. We eat, we drink, we eat some more and then for funsies, we drink some more. A couple of hours later I am sick to my stomach, in more pain than I can almost stand. By morning, I am Googling my symptoms and coming up with appendicitis over and over again. We go to the ER, they run all the tests and after hours or testing tell me it's appendicitis, which is what I told them when I walked into the ER. They explain that my appendix appears to have been infected but encapsulated for a long time. This was consistent with random pains I have had for years. Somehow it tore open and began leaking into my body. They ask if I have been in a car accident lately. Now, I was with my parents, who might assume I slept with Mr. Brady Bunch but certainly don't know I had kinky, rough sex with a couple I met online in a sleazy hotel room less than 72 hours before. So I just shake my head and explain that I had lifted some heavy boxes the day before. Again the doctor describes the jarring motion, like a rocking back and forth, that could have caused this. Again, I feign ignorance, and eventually they just remove the stupid appendix and life goes on.

When I tell the couple, he says it's probably just a crazy coincidence. I explain what they told me in the ER and that I think it's one hell of a funny story because something would have caused it eventually. I think he was worried I either blamed him or would be hesitant to see them again since I ended up having surgery from the first time I had sex with them. Then I reminded him that you only have one appendix, so it's all good.

Yes, I have seen them since; and no, I did not end up in the ER this time.

One of my fave photos so far


There are so many things to make fun of here, where shall I begin?
The accompanying e-mail was kind of boring with plenty of spelling errors, which I found rather ridiculous for someone who claims to be pursuing a Masters degree, but let's stick to the photo.

Have you ever bought a roast that was tied with a string from the butcher? That's what I think about when I look at this.

Then there are the random, loose iPod and power cables; are they that difficult to move out of the way?

What these men don't seem to understand is this, this initial contact needs to impress us if you want to get any further. Nothing about this mess of a scene screams "Hop on board!" to me.

Friday, September 19, 2008

This just in!

Was In your area on Thursday afternoon had to pick up a Boot cover for my softop (a whaaaa?)~ Have you ever been blindfold tie up spread eagle and have ear plugs? So you can't see or hear me just feel my touch and my tongue going over your body inch by inch! Then i tease your nipples with a feather and other things in my bag of toys!

THICKER
THICKER

------ Profile Attached -------

PLUS STANDARD MEMBER CAN E-MAIL ANYTIME IT'S FREE!

#2 PHOTO WAS TAKING ON 9-02-08 I LIKE TO HAVE MY PHOTO UP TO DATE ON Adult FriendFinder!

#3 PHOTO WAS TAKING ON 9-18-08 YES MY TAN IS GETTING DARKER!

I am tall DARK tan with lines and slim build with a GREAT personality. I am in my late thirties but looks much younger early thirties. Age is just a number to me but my favor number is 69. If you looking for a Brad Pitt look a like you better move on, i have a slim build not very muscular. I have other muscle i like to use my tongue my THICK cock i not that long only 6 inch in LENGTH my GIRTH is 5 3/4 inch shaved smooth all the time not a 2 minute man either. If you stroke or suck me and i tease my right nipple at the same time i get "THICKER" I looking for friends with benefits or new friendships with ladies or couples. All my photo are up to date, I live in a condo here in Naples, Fl by myself no roommates to walk in on me and my quest. Sometime you will see me on my web-cam i mean my THICK web-cam. If interest give me a wink or E-mail me. I open minded to a period here!

MANY TIME A MONTH I LIKE TO TRAVEL TO SOUTH BEACH, MIAMI BEACH, FORT LAUDERDALE, ST. PETERSBURG, AND THE KEYS FOR FUN IN THE SUN I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE THAT WHY I MOVE HERE SW FLORIDA 5 YEARS AGO!

My reply: Yes, my Dom loves to do that to me.
Do they appreciate my sense of humor as much as I do?

How is this picture enticing?

It looks like there is shit on his cock.
Yes, this is his main profile picture. *shaking head*

I'm baaaaack...

Don't you hate when life gets in the way of the other things you would rather do, like blog...or fuck?

Last weekend was a rough one. I was preparing for the movers to come and 23 seemed to always have people at his house. Forget blogging, I wanted to fuck.

He works a night job, the young cutie. His first break is at 11 pm. I drove there with no pants on and waited in my car. At 10:59 he came outside and I told him to hop in the backseat. I parked further out in the parking lot, tossed him a condom and we made the most of that fifteen minute break.

Later, he told me that when he got back to work, one of the other guys said to him, "You got laid on your break, didn't you?"

I'm glad he went back to work with a smile on his face.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

This person knows me?

30 year old Man in Port Saint Lucie, Florida
Looking For: Women for 1-on-1 sex, Discreet Relationship, Group sex (3 or more!) or Other "Alternative" Activities

Profile for olbigun69
i am fun loving, serious, and a please to be around!!

olbigun69's Information:

Gender: Man
Birthdate: April 15, 1978 (30 years old)
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Lives in: Port Saint Lucie, Florida (64 miles from you)
Marital Status: Attached
Height: Prefer not to say
Body Type: Prefer not to say
Smoking: Prefer not to say
Drinking: Prefer not to say
Drugs: Prefer not to say
Education: Prefer not to say
Race: Prefer not to say
Male Endowment: Prefer not to say/Prefer not to say
Circumcised: Prefer not to say
Speaks: English

Sep 11, 2008 11:12 AM EDT
i work with ur soon to be x wow hes gonna love dis


Wow, really?
They are hiring illiterates there now? And you are judging me because you are attached and looking for discreet poon on a hookup website?

**UPDATE 9/19/08: I went back the other night to see if this clown had e-mailed me again. There ere two more e-mails, but I could not read them because he deleted his profile. The moron probably thought I knew who he was and was going to tell his significant other.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fuckbuddy Monogamy?

One guy I recently started chatting with mentioned that he would not like to simply be known as Cock #6 because I am seeing other people. First of all, even I cannot handle that many balls in the air (pardon the pun). What I did say to him was, "Oh no, honey...I'll come up with a better nickname than that when I write about you on my blog."

He didn't seem amused.

But it got me thinking, Fuckbuddy Monogamy? Is there such a thing? I have been doing the Fuckbuddy thing for years. My best friend and I perfected the routine in high school. When he was without a girlfriend and I was without a boyfriend, we would hook up for a few weeks. When one of us found someone, we would just end it for the time being.

We never asked for monogamy from one another. Often, we weren't even monogamous in our relationships. Monogamy is something you save for a serious committment, not a casual relationship. The term "Fuckbuddy" implies just how casual a relationship it is.

Should we expect monogamy from a Fuckbuddy or is that asking too much of a relationship that was never that serious to begin with?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The transexual conversation

One of the men that started chatting with me on IM made a few rather closed-minded comments to me and sort of riled me up. Something he said reminded me of one of the stories in Tucker Max's book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, from the chapter "The Most Disturbing Conversation Ever." I highly recommend the book, just because it's fucking funny, but if you aren't the book type, at least read a few stories on his site (http://www.tuckermax.com). I do reference the story in the IM and I include the link, if you read it you will understand what I was trying to tell this guy.

This conversation was quite long and boring, so I will include the highlights only. Enjoy.

Al Sc (12:34:04 PM): so have you had any luck on aff?
Me (12:34:10 PM): yes, actually
Me (12:34:14 PM): met some very cool people
Me (12:34:22 PM): a couple of good dates
Me (12:34:28 PM): a couple of hookups
Al Sc (12:34:28 PM): any fun?
Me (12:34:31 PM): totally
Me (12:34:38 PM): meeting nice normal people
Al Sc (12:34:48 PM): u hooked up?
Me (12:35:10 PM): yes
Al Sc (12:35:13 PM): wow
Me (12:35:15 PM): have you?
Al Sc (12:35:22 PM): met a few
Al Sc (12:35:25 PM): mostly fakes
Me (12:36:00 PM): I think women have better luck on there
Al Sc (12:36:02 PM): was the sex good or so so
Me (12:36:03 PM): more real men
Me (12:36:20 PM): the quality of the sex has nothing to do with the site
Me (12:36:20 PM): LOL
Al Sc (12:36:31 PM): so not so good
Al Sc (12:36:32 PM): lol
Me (12:36:38 PM): no, very good
Al Sc (12:36:44 PM): good for u
Me (12:36:45 PM): but that was a weird question
Me (12:36:54 PM): I hook up with people that have nothing to do with AFF also
Al Sc (12:37:03 PM): lol
Al Sc (12:37:17 PM): so u a free swinging woman
Me (12:37:42 PM): no...LOL
Me (12:37:53 PM): but since I am not looking to find a soulmate or husband
Me (12:38:02 PM): I don't feel it necessary to play games either
Al Sc (12:38:09 PM): might as well have fun huh
Al Sc (12:38:46 PM): what type of guys are u attracted to?
Me (12:38:56 PM): all kinds
Me (12:39:04 PM): it really depends
Me (12:39:12 PM): I am big on brains and personality
Al Sc (12:39:20 PM): lol ok
Al Sc (12:39:30 PM): but its not the brains u want...lol
Me (12:40:01 PM): I need to be able to converse with someone before and after
Al Sc (12:40:10 PM): I hear ya
Al Sc (12:41:21 PM): I perfer women that don't play games either
Me (12:41:35 PM): a lot of people do
Al Sc (12:41:40 PM): must be clean
Al Sc (12:42:13 PM): and rather be with white women, not into blacks
Al Sc (12:42:41 PM): plus she can't be too big
Al Sc (12:42:43 PM): lol
Me (12:42:53 PM): LOL OK
Al Sc (12:42:55 PM): don't mind an ample girl
Al Sc (12:43:18 PM): but there are some REAL BBBBW's on there
Al Sc (12:43:37 PM): real big girls on that site
Al Sc (12:44:40 PM): do u have a perference between white, black, hispanic, asian.....?
Me (12:44:46 PM): white
Al Sc (12:44:57 PM): not into dark meat?
Me (12:45:39 PM): I dislike that terminology
Me (12:45:48 PM): but no, I do nor prefer black men
Al Sc (12:46:08 PM): think of it like chicken or turkey...white meat or dark meat
Al Sc (12:46:29 PM): nothing meant by it
Al Sc (12:47:34 PM): read some of the profile on there...the women stress they want either white meat or dark meat only.....don't think of it as a racist statement
Me (12:48:10 PM): I personally dislike that terminology
Me (12:48:17 PM): I wasn't commenting on anyone else

So he's off to a good start, right?

Me (12:55:25 PM): just meeting interesting people
Me (12:55:27 PM): I like people
Me (12:55:34 PM): hence the job in sales
Al Sc (12:56:07 PM): cool
Al Sc (12:56:29 PM): I was reading ur profile
Al Sc (12:56:36 PM): ur into S+M?
Al Sc (12:56:48 PM): Nipple Torture?
Me (12:57:03 PM): not so much torture
Me (12:57:10 PM): I have played on the d/s scene before though
Me (12:57:11 PM): yes
Me (12:57:13 PM): I like it
Me (12:57:20 PM): with someone who knows what they are doing
Al Sc (12:57:21 PM): damn girl u a freak
Al Sc (12:57:24 PM): lol
Me (12:57:26 PM): not at all
Al Sc (12:57:35 PM): sexual freak
Me (12:57:42 PM): no
Me (12:57:45 PM): I am quite normal
Me (12:57:47 PM): I assure you
Al Sc (12:57:51 PM): and u like being handcuffed?
Me (12:58:12 PM): tied or restrained, yes
Al Sc (12:58:16 PM): wow
Al Sc (12:58:20 PM): u look so innocent
Me (12:58:25 PM): I have many more friends who are like me than not
Me (12:58:35 PM): so I assure you this is not freaky...LOL
Al Sc (12:58:49 PM): well not freaky
Al Sc (12:59:10 PM): a sexual freak is a good thing in my eyes
Me (12:59:23 PM): OK
Al Sc (12:59:36 PM): like women who are open to things
Me (12:59:49 PM): that's how I prefer to think of myself
Al Sc (1:00:07 PM): sweet
Al Sc (1:01:25 PM): are u a "clean cut" girl?
Me (1:02:00 PM): huh?
Me (1:02:04 PM): like in my daily life?
Me (1:02:13 PM): my clothing looks like I am an Old Navy ad
Al Sc (1:02:41 PM): meaning do u keep yourself neat and trimmed or are u a wild natural girl
Me (1:02:54 PM): do you mean my pussy?
Al Sc (1:03:01 PM): lol there u go
Me (1:03:11 PM): well, if it becomes your business
Me (1:03:13 PM): I will let you know
Al Sc (1:03:34 PM): if it becomes my business I would find out on my own right?
Me (1:03:45 PM): probably
Al Sc (1:03:54 PM): lol
Al Sc (1:04:21 PM): do u perfer body hair or u want a man clean cut
Me (1:04:51 PM): depends on the man
Al Sc (1:05:31 PM): u know how women are, some are like men...like things trimmed and shaven
Al Sc (1:05:49 PM): no hairy backs, hairy balls, etc....
Me (1:07:02 PM): yes, I know
Me (1:07:08 PM): I have been a woman a long time
Al Sc (1:07:12 PM): lol
Al Sc (1:07:22 PM): lets hope so
Al Sc (1:07:35 PM): not into trannies
Me (1:07:57 PM): good to know
Me (1:08:01 PM): although most are so good
Me (1:08:03 PM): post surgery
Me (1:08:06 PM): you would never know
Me (1:08:07 PM): LOL
Al Sc (1:08:12 PM): lol
Al Sc (1:08:23 PM): don't think so honey
Me (1:09:25 PM): http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_most_disturbing_conversation_ever.phtml#578
Al Sc (1:11:04 PM): what is that
Me (1:11:09 PM): a very funny story
Me (1:11:14 PM): from a very funny book I just read
[no way he read the whole story this quickly...I can read a normal sized novel in one sitting and this story took me more than three minutes to read]
Al Sc (1:14:31 PM): that was funny
Al Sc (1:14:48 PM): and no tht never happened to me
Me (1:15:32 PM): you would never know
Al Sc (1:15:54 PM): big hands big feet
Me (1:16:08 PM): uh huh
Me (1:16:14 PM): I wear a size 10 shoe
Al Sc (1:16:22 PM): lol
Me (1:16:28 PM): so there goes that theory
Al Sc (1:16:55 PM): 10 in women's is big but not that big...now 13 or larger that is
Al Sc (1:17:13 PM): u have big hands?
Me (1:17:25 PM): my husband and I wore the same size ring
Al Sc (1:17:35 PM): lol
Al Sc (1:18:00 PM): are u trying to tell me u a TS?????lol
Me (1:18:07 PM): not at all
Me (1:18:13 PM): but you woulnd't know [damn typo]
Al Sc (1:18:39 PM): maybe but u need to be observant
Me (1:18:46 PM): OK

And I didn't hear from him again until tonight.

Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:26:46 PM): hey
Me (9/9/2008 10:27:02 PM): hi
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:27:11 PM): what's up
Me (9/9/2008 10:27:53 PM): just hanging at home
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:28:00 PM): I hear ya
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:28:42 PM): I am bored at work
Me (9/9/2008 10:29:10 PM): oh
Me (9/9/2008 10:29:13 PM): what do you do again?
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:29:25 PM): work for the county
Me (9/9/2008 10:30:03 PM): doing?
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:30:35 PM): public relations
Me (9/9/2008 10:30:52 PM): at night?
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:31:05 PM): its a 24hr job
Me (9/9/2008 10:31:37 PM): OK
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:33:51 PM): u don't believe me?
Me (9/9/2008 10:33:57 PM): I do
Me (9/9/2008 10:34:00 PM): why would'
Me (9/9/2008 10:34:04 PM): n't I? [ugh, hate when I typo so carelessly]
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:36:02 PM): just saying the way u responded to what I said I do...lol
Me (9/9/2008 10:36:17 PM): I said OK
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:36:26 PM): k
Me (9/9/2008 10:36:28 PM): is that not a reasonable affirmative reply?
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:36:46 PM): yes it is sorry
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:40:13 PM): so what is ur name?
Me (9/9/2008 10:40:37 PM): Me
Me (9/9/2008 10:40:40 PM): just like it says
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:40:54 PM): ur name is [wouldn’t you love to know?]?
Me (9/9/2008 10:42:44 PM): yes
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:42:54 PM): my name is AL
Me (9/9/2008 10:43:41 PM): I know
Me (9/9/2008 10:43:41 PM): LOL [he doesn’t realize that’s how it comes up on IM?]
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:44:03 PM): just making sure
Al Sc (9/9/2008 10:44:34 PM): well I guess I will let you go

Don't know if he will take the hint?
I'm sure he's a lovely man, but maybe he needs to find some nice closed-minded girls without transsexual or racially diverse friends.

Monday, September 8, 2008

The things I do in the name of research

I joined a new site tonight, DateHookup.com, which sounds like a haven for weirdos and freaks, but so far everyone seems normal(ish). They don't even let you post nude or nearly nude photos. There are no detailed questions about your genitalia. What the fuck am I supposed to make fun of then?

But then when I am on their site searching, I accidentally click on an ad for fitnessdates.com and some of the local people seem a bit, well, odd. It appears to have started as a dating site for people who exercise. It also does not appear to be that anymore. Oh, and they ask all sorts of personal questions. This might be fun.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Pleasantly surprised

About a week and a half ago, this cute guy in his late twenties from AFF and I decided to meet for coffee after work. I was in a shit mood after a rough day (my friends often suck at being friends) and was so exhausted by the time I met him, I doubt I was good company. We met at the local Borders bookstore and he was cuter than his pictures and a much better conversationalist in person than online. I had planned to stay for a short time and then head out to wallow in my misery, but ended up staying a couple of hours talking about movies and books and kinda sorta flirtin' with the cute boy.

Last week we go out for drinks and a bite to eat. He really impresses me with his respectful demeanor and just utter sweetness. I have friends who don't show me that sort of respect or kindness most of the time, and the soon-to-be-ex-husband pretty much never did. He's nice to talk to, he's adorable, I want to fuck him and he wants to fuck me. Ladies and Gentleman, we have an excellent candidate for Fuck Buddy!

In the course of conversation, something about school comes up and he mentions what year he graduated. Hrmm, if he's 27 and he graduated in that year then he had to be held back 3 or 4 years...I am working at the math in my head. I realize that is highly improbable so I ask rather cautiously, "How old are you?" He laughs and says, "23." (*gasp*) My brain starts scrambling; OK, I think, maybe he's turning 24 soon and then since my birthday is in 3 weeks, we're only 10 years apart which isn't that bad. No dice, sistah, he just turned 23.

I can rationalize anything to myself, it's either one of my best traits or one of my worst, depending on what day it is. Look, I tell myself, he looks 27 or so, you enjoy hanging out with him, so what if your nephew is older than him and he likes the Jets? That's when he started rubbing my thigh under the table and I promise you I didn't need to rationalize a fucking thing after that.

This past weekend I went over to his apartment, and now I am a firm believer in the older women/younger men thing. I can admit when I am wrong about something, and I was wrong about my stupid five year rule. This boy has that youthful enthusiasm of the not-yet-jaded and energy to spare. Every time we stopped to catch our breath, I would still be catching mine and he would be ready to go again. I don't think I have been fucked like that since...well...since I was 23.

Friday, September 5, 2008

The Brady Bunch is a work of fiction...you know that, right?

Before I go any further, this post is not to demean or make fun of Mr. Brady Bunch in any way. He is an incredibly nice guy, with a heart of gold, who got a raw deal. I am writing this to a) share my experience, as is the point of this blog and b) to show how the best intentions can go horribly wrong when two people are looking for different things from one another.

A few weeks after I got back on my horse, I met an old girlfriend from school for Happy Hour. We're busy catching one another up on our lives and the various people we talk to from school. She asks if I remember Mr. Brady Bunch. Of course, I do. Well, Mr. Brady Bunch is also going through a divorce and has a daughter the same age as mine, maybe she should re-introduce us. Sure thing, sign me up.

The next week the three of us meet for dinner. Our stories are relatively similar in that our relationship/marriages were long term (since college) and ended within the last few months. We're having a wonderful time catching up, flirting, watching the All Star Game and drinking. Good times! At some point she leaves, and he and I stay out way past our bedtimes just talking (I swear, just talking) and catching up.

We talk on the phone the next few nights. He's not the best conversationalist on the phone, but a lot of people are not...and I can talk enough for two. It's no secret that once I get a little warmed up, my engine hits full throttle right away, so the casual flirting turns to sex talk pretty soon. He seems a little shocked by my openness, but not in a bad way. I explain that I am not looking for a relationship, simply some good times with someone I can trust and that is not a one night stand. Surprisingly, he's looking for the exact same thing.

We make plans to hang out that weekend. He decides to turn it into a barbecue at his house, and invites me to bring my daughter to play with his. His house is in the middle of nowhere, and he graciously offers us the guest room so we don't have to drive home from nowhere in the dark. The girls hit it off, we have a nice time and we even remain incredibly well behaved until they fall asleep. The second they fall asleep, the clothes are off and we are in bed. A wonderful time is had by all.

The next morning, I am packing up our stuff to leave and he asks me to hang out at his house while he's working so he can see me later. This should have been a glaring red flag to me, but I was sleep-deprived. I explain that I have things to do at home and was leaving but I would talk to him later. He pouted.

We're talking on the phone and we get to the safe sex talk. I suggest a full disclosure when with other people policy and he says, "I'm not planning on sleeping with anyone else." RED FLAG! I say, "I'm sorry, sport, but I can't promise you the same thing." At this point I am pretty sure he's disappointed, but I am just starting out my single life and am not changing my plans for him.

Over the next couple of weeks, we talk on the phone and it becomes apparent to me we do not have much in common. He loves sports, I mean really loves them. I enjoy watching a game every now and then, but I do not live for them. He doesn't read books or watch the same kinds of movies as me. I don't want a relationship; he refers to the four of us as the Brady Bunch and thinks it's adorable. He's becoming quite clingy now and I feel bad. His wife broke his heart and I don't want to be the one who hurts him again. Way to get myself into a predicament.

I go through an emotional upheaval of my own and have to cancel plans on him two nights in a row. I try to explain that I just need to be alone. He contacts the friend that set us up because he's concerned. She explains that I am a fiercely independent girl and can take care of myself. He texts me that he's here if I need to talk, I thank him. Twenty minutes later I get another text asking if I am ready to talk yet. Half an hour after that, he asks again. Even if I had been ready to talk, I would be calling my sister or one of my best friends, not someone I just basically met.

We see one another at a social function, it's awkward. He's hurt I won't come home with him and it pisses me off. The next day I call him and explain that I think we are looking for different things. He's a great guy but he wants more from me than I have to give. He tells me he understands and doesn't want to push a relationship on me. I know he doesn't really understand, but I give him another chance.

A couple of nights later we meet for dinner and some drinks. We're at a Chili's and baseball is on. Remember, the first night we "met" the All Star Game was on, and I mentioned that I liked (liked, not loved) baseball and was a Yankees girl. Since all he really knows how to talk about is sports, he starts talking to me about the baseball game. I try talking about politics, he brings up baseball. Chili's is two-for-ones on the margaritas and I start drinking them two-fisted. After a few rounds he suggests going back to the house, I agree. I know right now you are reading this and shaking your head, because you already know I fucked him. He asked me to spend the night, but I had to work the next day and I didn't want to, so he brought me back to Chili's to get my car. Remember, before I slept with him this time, we had the whole "relationship" talk and he agreed with me. Sure enough, the next day we are talking on the phone and he is going to make room in some of his drawers for me. What? I believe what I actually said was, "Why? Do you think I am going to be storing some fucking Tupperware at your house?"

I left for a family vacation and he wrote to me via e-mail. I tried to keep it friendly but distant while I was gone. Casual e-mails here and there, nothing more. When I got home he invited me to a concert. Against my better judgment I agreed to go. The concert was on a weeknight, near my office and we both live far north of there. Common sense would say that I meet him at the concert. He tried to figure out any way he could to get us into one car and going together, but I refused to budge. Several friends told me I should not have accepted the invitation, and they are probably correct.

So what ended up happening? Fate stepped in. I ended up in the ER needing emergency surgery the day before the concert. And just in case that wasn't enough, Tropical Storm Fay came gunning for us in South Florida. The concert was rescheduled.

That was almost 3 weeks ago. He checked on me via e-mail a few times. Just yesterday I politely declined an invitation to come to his house this weekend to watch the myriad of football games that will be on. I have learned my lesson.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

What the fuck did he say?

This is a transcript cut and pasted directly from Yahoo Messenger. The only thing I did was take out our screen names. The improperly capitalized name for him is how he has himself listed. How can respect yourself if you can't even capitalize your own name?

This guy had written to me on AFF and rather than just delete him (too dumb and not circumcised) I was polite and sent a "Sorry, looking for someone local." reply. He then got my Yahoo screen name from my profile (time to disable that nifty little feature) and wrote to me.

jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:22 PM): hey
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:26 PM): hey
jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:31 PM): whats up?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:38 PM): do u know who this is lol?
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:43 PM): yes
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:48 PM): the cute guy from Miami
jose m (9/3/2008 7:15:50 PM): oh ok lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:15:56 PM): who I think is too far but you disagree
jose m (9/3/2008 7:16:26 PM): hey why do u say that i live far like if i live hrs away and then u said it wouldnt work out if not like ur looking for a husband or ur gonan get married anytime soon lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:16:41 PM): LOL
Me (9/3/2008 7:16:47 PM): no, I am not even divorced yet
jose m (9/3/2008 7:16:50 PM): im only 30 mins away thats not far maybe naples
jose m (9/3/2008 7:17:00 PM): so im not the jealous type lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:17:04 PM): sharing is caring lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:17:11 PM):
Me (9/3/2008 7:17:31 PM): LOL
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:02 PM):
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:16 PM): so why do u think im live far when im only 30 mins away lol?
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:31 PM): because I know how this already will work
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:38 PM): I am a single mom with not much time
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:43 PM): been doing this a while now
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:44 PM): LOL
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:48 PM): n how is that gonan work ?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:18:54 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:18:59 PM): huh?
Me (9/3/2008 7:19:01 PM): gonan?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:19:30 PM): i meant ho is that gonna work?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:19:33 PM): how
jose m (9/3/2008 7:19:35 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:19:38 PM): ahhhhh
jose m (9/3/2008 7:20:24 PM): nevermind ur lost lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:20:59 PM): not at all
jose m (9/3/2008 7:22:32 PM): yes u r lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:22:38 PM): so have u met anyone from aff?
jose m (9/3/2008 7:22:45 PM): by the way im jose n ur name is?
Me (9/3/2008 7:24:21 PM): [wouldn't you love to know]
Me (9/3/2008 7:24:23 PM): yes I have
Me (9/3/2008 7:24:28 PM): several people
jose m (9/3/2008 7:24:53 PM): lucky u
jose m (9/3/2008 7:24:54 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:25:02 PM): I have met some very cool people
jose m (9/3/2008 7:27:24 PM): i met some fake ass ppl lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:27:40 PM): I have a really stringent screening process
Me (9/3/2008 7:27:41 PM): LOL
Me (9/3/2008 7:27:47 PM): I only meet a handful of people
jose m (9/3/2008 7:28:23 PM): lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:28:46 PM): I hooked up with a guy the other night
Me (9/3/2008 7:28:57 PM): who had done his PhD research at the Kiney Institute
jose m (9/3/2008 7:29:02 PM): can u hooked up with me lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:29:02 PM): so interesting
Me (9/3/2008 7:29:20 PM): Kinsey Institute, sorry
Me (9/3/2008 7:29:23 PM): spelled it wrong
jose m (9/3/2008 7:30:06 PM): its ok this is not an english class lol
jose m (9/3/2008 7:30:19 PM): we r not in school here lol
Me (9/3/2008 7:30:46 PM): I know, but how you present yourself is how people see you
jose m (9/3/2008 7:32:46 PM): thats not true..
jose m (9/3/2008 7:35:12 PM): idont have to open my mouth and ppl right away this im this stuck guy that just go out with girls with six pack
jose m (9/3/2008 7:35:55 PM): aand also think that im full of my self cause of my pics which is not true
jose m (9/3/2008 7:36:15 PM): i love my body andi m prove of it and everybody should feel the same way
jose m (9/3/2008 7:36:47 PM): just cause u dont have a six pack or ur nto shape doesnt mean ur not sexy pr hot or w.e u wantr to call it
Me (9/3/2008 7:40:24 PM): right
Me (9/3/2008 7:40:38 PM): but by taking care of your body, you show people you are proud of it
Me (9/3/2008 7:41:05 PM): the same way I am with my mind
Me (9/3/2008 7:41:51 PM): the being pretty I cannot help
Me (9/3/2008 7:41:58 PM): just like being cute for you
Me (9/3/2008 7:42:27 PM): but I choose to present myself as an educated, well-spoken person because I want to be thought of as more than pretty
Me (9/3/2008 7:42:48 PM): even with hook-ups, I need to be respected for my mind, too...it's my bonus quality
This is when he just stopped responding to me.
Then he came back…

jose m (9/3/2008 8:02:12 PM): lol
jose m (9/3/2008 8:02:14 PM): i see
jose m (9/3/2008 8:02:19 PM): so how long were u married for?
Me (9/3/2008 8:02:50 PM): almost 9 years, been together for 16 ½
It’s been 10 minutes. I am going to assume the math stumped him and post this now.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Dear lord, it's an epidemic!


Limp cocks everywhere!

As if to prove my point...

I click to post my last post, go to check my messages and see this on the home page.

This is not going to impress anyone. Don't post it!

Post your smiling face as your main picture...not your limp cock!!!

My opinion of "Unsolicited Cock Pics"

Men are more visual than women, you show them tits, they get a boner. It's very simple for them.

Women are a bit more complicated. We don't usually care about the penis (unless there's something wrong with it) as much as the person it's attached to. Yet, so many men don't seem to realize this and post nothing BUT penis pictures.

WRONG TACTIC, BOYS.

One of the guys I met through AFF is very intelligent and educated, having studied in the field of sexual research. He happens to be adorably cute and good in bed too, but that's not where I was going with this. We were talking about what attracts people to certain profiles and what qualities people look for, and I mentioned that I liked that he didn't have any cock pics. He smiled and said, "That's because I understand women."

That's why he usually scores. Take notes, UCP Posting Men.

[The term Unsolicited Cock Pics was coined by my friend, Jackie.]

Received: hey (Sep 2, 2008 5:43 PM EDT)

Profile for big****mianto ensure all members maximize eachother on here and interaction by consistenly providing excellent service to eachother,NO GAY MEN AT ALL,lady only Adult FriendFinder [because I totally buy that the folks at AFF wrote this disclaimer and chose to post it only on his profile]
My Ideal Person:
real people,who in too real things,NO GAY MEN,lady only Adult FriendFinder

Tell one of your favorite sexual fantasies. Don't hold back!:
my favorite fantasies is two women all over me, yes two, and
i want to fuck the two ,
Birthdate: August 31, 1962
(46 years old)
am looking for you 2, am in fla alot and i dont do clubs or dont pick up women out of bars, so if we chat on here become friends i will see you want i get over there, i do live alone no wife, so we can really get to know eachother
I honestly don't know what to say about this one at all. He has two profile pictures, but I will spare you. One is so dark and shot from so far away, all you can see is the flash reflecting in his eyes. It could be a raccoon in a shirt, honestly. The other is a blurry, unattractive penis shot. Nothing turns a girl on like an unsolicited cock pic, especially when it's not even a nice cock.

Bearly legle [sp]

Birthdate: December 14, 1989
(18 years old)
hey thought u were looking good. saw u were looking for a fuck buddy would love to be that guy. we could have alotta fun. i am willing to drive. i kno i am young but doesnt mean we cant have fun. i will send u some pics i think u will like if u reply. so let me kno if u r interested
Education: Prefer not to say

Really? I am surprised he's not bragging about his degree in English.

The Wonderful World of AFF

I begin asking friends where I can go to meet some fun people and more than one dear friend mentions Adult Friend Finder to me. Adult Friend Finder claims right on the front page "Get laid tonight." Interesting site. I join.

They offer a wonderful tool to help you write your profile, if you don't know what to say about yourself. Their questionnaire is very thorough (more about that soon) and it's quite easy to make a decent looking profile. It's idiot-proof, which poses a problem with idiots comprising a large percentage of the people writing you. I'll be happy to share some examples with you, don't worry.

Girls, prepare to be inundated with requests.

I have settled on a screening process that works very well for me:
  1. Age: Too old, you get deleted...too young, you get deleted. I admit that more than once I have been bored enough to check a profile of someone who falls outside my accepted age range and ended up replying to them, but it's rare.
  2. Marital status: If you're married, you get deleted.
  3. Circumcision: Whomever decided to make this a profile question is a fucking genius. My thought process about this is: why would I bother to speak to someone who is not circumcised on the off chance I end up really liking them...knowing I would never touch their penis? If your answer is no, or if you decline to answer, you get deleted.
  4. Spelling, grammar, etc.: Before I even read the e-mail they sent, I check the profile for the glaring signs of illiteracy and stupidity. For instance, and in this case I didn't have to view the profile (although I did for funsies), because his screen name said it all: laitnlover3# (I debated posting his entire screen name, but decided to leave off the last digit for anonymity). Seriously, if you cannot even spell your own screen name, how much faith can I have in your other abilities, like the ability to find the right hole?
  5. Messages: Finally, we've eliminated a lot of potential candidates, thank goodness. Now I move onto the actual messages. Plenty of people seem to have actually read my profile, nice. Oh look, this guy is looking for a soulmate, try Match.com, dude. Some of them send out generic form letters that would apply to any woman anywhere, F for effort. Then some of them are just...well, take a look:
    Hello, let me eat your pussy. you won't regreat it. what do you think?

    Well, the first thing I think is that you should learn to spell check. And what's with the Greyhound self-portrait?
I guess I should share my profile at this point, so you understand how clear I am being up front about what I want:

I've always been good at turning nothing into something great. When I'm out driving I like to blow down the freeway as fast as I can...it's how I live my whole life. I get along best with people who can talk about something besides sex or sports. When I go out, I go with the flow, and end up where I end up. When I'm at home alone, I'm calling up friends who want to cure their boredom with me. I look forward to whatever life brings. I can be whatever you need me to be, as long as we're both comfortable with it and both having fun with it.
I'm not changing my life, I'm just trying to make it more interesting.

If you contact me bear in mind that I'm just looking for a fuck buddy, not a soulmate.

My Ideal Person:
If you are married, don't waste either of our time...I am NOT interested.
I am not looking for random sex with strangers, a fuck buddy is a friend you fuck.
I will admit that there are a large number of intelligent, funny and good-looking people on this site. I have met some, it's just a question of properly screening them.

A quick word about Step One

This is the photo that started it all. Step One is someone I have known since I was in grade school, we were friends. Everyone grows up, moves away and loses touch.
Fast forward 16 years. We are thrown into the same social circle by a relationship between mutual school friends. We get in touch again and I see some pictures of him and damn. Then I run into him at the wedding and double damn; but at this time I am still quite married and don't pursue anything (not that I have morals about cheating, but I was working on being a better wife at that particular time). I even tried to set him up with a friend of mine at one point, never admitted before that I was quite happy it never happened.
Fast forward again, but this time only a couple of months. I am newly separated but ready to join the world again. I run into him at a small social event and we start chatting. I mention that I am now single, he pulls up a chair, we talk all afternoon. From there it moves to some mild workday flirting on Facebook. Then he kiddingly suggests I send him racy photos. Coincidently, that day I am in Frederick's of Hollywood bra shopping...I snap that photo, send it to him and it all degrades to a smutfest relatively quickly. There are dozens of dirty photos and filthy e-mails back and forth. We set a date, we fuck...and then we go back to being friends.
I miss the dirty photos and the filthy e-mails...I can admit it.

Getting back on the horse

Step One: have sex with someone you know and trust to get your confidence back up...check!

Step Two: check out some of those online sites to see what the deal is...check!

I can talk about Step One in another post; he is a friend and probably deserves a little more respect than posting our sexual escapades on a public blog...but maybe not.

So onto Step Two...ah, step two.

In my effort to recreate myself as some respectable sort of woman, I checked out Match.com first. I immediately knew I was in the wrong place. Not that these men aren't looking for sex, I mean what man says no to sex? But these men are looking for relationships (the word makes me cringe right now, someday I may get over that...I will keep you posted) in addition to sex. They want LTR (long term relationships) and they use phrases like "REWARD: HAPPINESS EVER AFTER" or "Kind gentleman looking for that special lady." [insert gagging noise here].

Now I am not poking fun at these gentleman, the sentiment appears to be sincere and I wish them the best of luck on their quests, but the jaded bitch in me cannot stomach this. I realize that dating any of these men would be unfair as I am not looking for anything that serious and would end up getting bored with and trampling on one of these men just for sport. Seriously, I know myself...I can be cruel.

Now I need to start looking elsewhere...

[All of the quoted taglines are real taglines from profiles, copied exactly as they were posted by the authors. If you are looking for a real relationship, Match.com is a good place to start. The people seem sincere enough and there is a wide variety of people. Good luck to you on your quest.]

The story so far...

I find myself, now 33 and the mother of a wonderfully precocious toddler, suddenly single and thrust back into the single world.

I have known a lot of women in this situation, I am not unique. Many people take a while to get back into dating and sex...but not me. I've never been one to sit around and wait for things to happen, so I am diving head first into the crazy world of singledom.

In mid-April my husband and I split up. By mid-June I was aching to just get laid. Once I got that first one out of the way, it was time to embrace being single again.